|but it probably wasn't what you thought it was...|
it is what it is, and not what it "should/could" be
it is what it is, and there's nothing to do about it
it isn't what it is, however, when what it appears to be is all negative and nasty and stuff... and that shows up in my life a lot too.
it's no secret that i've been in a fair bit of distress for most of the last 7 weeks... Spiderman's kindergarten issues hit me hard and fast and, not being prepared for this transition in our lives to be painful, I quickly reacted by doing everything possible to avoid the pain. I judged myself, him, myself, the school, myself, other parents, myself, other students, myself... I attempted to distance myself from him, myself, the school, myself, other parents, myself, other students, myself, my support system, myself... I tried denial... I tried anger... I tried begging, pleading, and bargaining (holy moly, I'm describing the stages of grief. gotta look into that more!)... When I made my way back to acceptance I found that there was still pain there. He was still having a rough time, and that hurts. And reuniting with that pain (unchanged by anything I tried to do in response to it) showed me that most of what I've been doing lately has been in an attempt to stop feeling it.
Oh shoot. Have I been doing that?
I've been motoring a vehicle (my body. my body is the vehicle in this analogy) fueled by adrenaline. I have been disconnected from my instincts and intuition. I have believed terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things about myself. I have believed terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things about my situation...
Well, that's gotta stop.
and that's where the work begins... hooray! where the work begins is a much preferable place to be than any of the other spaces I've been occupying. the thing is... all that avoidance is tiring. It doesn't exactly set a person up to be well rested and resilient and feeling ready to face her demons.
but... it is what it is.
time to get to work! (and find my way back to me in the process--and i'm looking forward to it! yay!)
maybe a quick nap first?
okay, okay. kidding... kidding...