talking to myself

Good Morning!

Welcome to the first off-schedule post!  I just had an experience so amazing that I cannot not share it with you... wow... I'm still in awe.  Seriously.  Let's see how fast I can get this done, it's a race against spiderman's internal clock (the one that controls his desire for pancakes).

As you know I have been writing "morning pages" since the start of this "month" on 2/21.  They are just three pages of stream of consciousness writing.  They aren't supposed to be anything in particular, just what comes out, but Julia Cameron does warn that often what will come out is our inner critic.  She encourages us to develop imagery for our inner critic, defile the image, and keep it close to our morning pages notebook so we can use it as inspiration to fight back.  Seriously... like if I printed a picture of my former mother in law and put a big red X through the face and taped it to the front of my notebook that would be a completely endorsed supplement to the morning pages by the creator herself.  Amazingness.

So, my inner critic has come out a lot, sometimes my pages are filled with the song lyrics that are in my head when I wake up, sometimes they are filled with the reasons for the panic I woke in, other times they contain my to do list for the day, and others they are filled with mantras and other repeated phrases about what I want for the day ahead.  I'm pretty sure I was able to convince myself that the cold shower was going to be refreshing within the context of my morning pages.

Cameron also warns that morning pages will be hardest for writers... because writers will try and make their morning pages into writing... and she's right (so I guess I've decided I'm a writer, by the way.  cheers!).  It's hard for me not to think a few words ahead and try and make it sound articulate and pretty.  I sometimes catch myself doing this and the only method I've had to curb it so far is to simply focus on one word at a time and not think about the next one until the current one is on the page.  This is pretty difficult... I write much slower than I think.

Today, for the first time, I didn't think at all about what to write... it just came... it was nearly involuntary.  I had a small part, but most of the words on the page didn't come from my consciousness.  I'll explain.

I have a spiritual side... and we'll talk more about her in a few months when that is the focus, but in the interim a few quick tidbits.

  • I'm not a religious person... never found any one religion that I jived with
  • I'm a "take what you like and leave the rest" person and I've done that with pieces of earth religions, buddhism, new age sort of stuff, paganism, etc. etc. 
  • I use the word universe as a way of describing some kind of spiritual force, but I don't intend for that force to exist separately from me... I am the universe and it is me (and it is all of you too).  We are all one.
  • I have several religious people in my life and when I hear about them and their conversations with "God" I realize that I have the same experiences... I just don't consider the divine inspiration to be coming from outside of me... My conversations with "God" are conversations with myself and my connection to the divine.
I've had a great couple of days.  Something that had been bothering me for a lot of the previous week has been calmed and quieted by a new understanding, faith, and some good old fashioned surrender.  For the first time since I started seeing my Brainspotting practitioner we didn't have to work at bringing me down off a ledge of anxiety... I was calm when I arrived and we used the time to bring me to a deep relaxation and talk about some stuff.  

Still, I'm always a little bit afraid of the weekend.  If I don't get myself into the right frame of mind, the weekend... with all of its free time and silence... can be a scary place for me to be.  So, despite the peaceful enjoyment of the last two days I noticed I felt worried about how I was going to keep the peace in all of my alone time this weekend.

And so that's where my morning pages began.  I wrote my concerns, and I wrote them in the form of questions... and then someone answered.  And about halfway through the first page I realized that I was having a conversation with my intuition.  The answers were calm, loving, and reassured.  They weren't ever rushed or pleading, they never contained an ounce of emotion, they were pure loving calm.  ...and it was lovely.

I asked on my facebook page many weeks ago how other people could tell the definition between their intuition and fear... many people responded wanting to know what was wrong.  Others had some very interesting things to say.

  • Funny things: Intuition is what you call it after the fact when your fear came true.
  • Logical things: intuition is based on all facts from a history and fear is based on some facts from history.
  • Movement oriented things: Intuition can push you away or pull you in. Fear always separates.
  • Emotional experience oriented things: You are still strangely drawn to it despite the anxiety and are willing to push through the anxiety... and the anxiety feels kinda exciting at the same time, if that makes sense. Anxiety full of severe dread is not good, on the other hand...
  • Profoundly confident things: We always truly "know." It's the fear that likes to talk us into something else. Because sometimes our fear of the truth is that we really don't want the answer we are intuitively receiving.
  • Self aware things: I know for me when I get nutty nervous about something it may be cause it's not right or something from my past is coming up that was not pleasant usually. Or...I'm just plain scared and then I look at all the silly things I have fear of and if it's in an area I need to stretch myself in, I do it and pretend the fear is excitement
  • and a lovely late entry: I see fear as negative and intuition as positive....therefore you must work through the fear to realize the fruition of the intuition. So they are not one in the same...but connected and one can keep the other from happening. Your intuition is strong...believe it and follow it...your fear must be overcome so that you follow that real sense and just go for it. 
I happened to have therapy that very same afternoon and I asked my therapist the same question.  Her answer was so quick I almost felt a wind blow by.  She said that fear has emotion attached and intuition does not.  Intuition has no need or fear or want or even desire... it just is.  She also said that you can talk to your intuition anytime... you ask a question and when  you hear an answer and it comes from your body around your heart that's your intuition speaking.

I've tried to tap into it since with limited results.  Usually my emotions and wanting are so noisy and active that they are taking up all of my heart space and even if my intuition is saying anything I can't hear it over the din of my frantic desire to control the situation...

(I'm so losing the race against the internal pancake clock right now...)

but back to today!  Today I had a 3 page long conversation with my intuition.  She's lovely... and I trust her... and after our conversation I feel safe about my choice to stay on the couch and watch as much tv as possible while I let my body do what it needs to clear out these sinuses so I can breathe again.  Here's to staying in touch with her!

"Momma!  I said I'm HUNGRY!"

I hear you, child.  I hear you.