it's happening again!

I've been wanting to write a lot.  It's usually not enough for a whole blog post, but is too much for a Facebook status... and no matter what it is, I'm excited about it.

I want to tell people things like how much I love watching "Inside the Actor's Studio" and when I finally caught up on the ensemble cast episodes I had recorded months ago and saw the one with the cast of Glee I was reminded, even though I am so over actually watching Glee, that I love those people.  Squee!  I just want to squeeze them!  and them... and James Lipton in the same room!  Squee!

*let's add audit a class at whatever school James Lipton teaches at so I can attend a taping of that show to the bucket list.  THAT, and attend the World Domination Summit

I can't think of any of the others right this second, but there all pretty much along the same lines:

  • Earth-shatteringly important
  • and I'm just oozing with delight about them and how happy all of those things make me
and then I realize... I'm back to this feeling that I've been longing for!  Most of my thoughts about my experiences begin with "I love..." and even more exciting is the realization that I'm not "made happy" by these external things, I am happy and therefore I find delight in them!


In a few conversations with GT/Becky lately we've remarked on a mutual funk we've been feeling.  Blame the month of June, if you'd like... I did.  We've talked about what it feels like to be making slow progress on what feels like a long, straight path... and we've both had experiences that feel like we must have backtracked or turned around or somehow gone in reverse because we're seeing things on our paths that we've seen before and that we aren't particularly excited about seeing again.

i am here.
And then one of us, probably her because she's brilliant, points out that the path is not, in fact, straight... it is quite possibly a spiral.

This made a heck of a whole lot of sense to us because when we thought about what it would be like to walk on a spiral path we noticed that there would be a lot of repeated scenery, and depending on where on the spiral we were, the perspective could seem almost identical to one we may have had another loop around.

I've spent a lot of the last few weeks walking a path that looks like the tight, inner loops of the spiral.  I keep seeing the same things over and over and they mostly look the same because the angle doesn't change that much from one loop to the next.

What does this look like in real life?  I am having experiences that trigger me, or disturb my peace, or result in me just feeling "off" and I'm processing through them and I'm doing powerful work and getting the peace back by choosing a loving perspective and then it feels like I'm right back where I started within a day or two...  same or similar trigger, same or similar response.  And I've had to focus intently to walk the path without judging myself for the repetitive reactions and instead slow myself down and really look at the experiences and make choices that reflect what I want my existence of imperfection with grace to look like.

Because I know that on the other side of resistance is something pretty damn delightful, I've had this idea that when I reach the inside of this spiral I will suddenly *POP!* out the other side and onto a new path... and I think it just happened (yay!).  

The beginning of a new path is a beautiful place to be.  Brand new scenery, a whole host of tools and resources from the last path in a backpack I get to carry with me... and now I know enough to know that soon enough I'll be approaching the end of that path where the spiral tightens again and I keep seeing the same rock and the same tree, and I wonder if I'm going in circles, and it may feel a lot like this last one did.  And that's okay, because just like last time... there's a new one just on the other side.