My Big Gay Blog Post!

Anderson Cooper came out this week, and like Anderson Cooper is apt to do, he did it with all sorts of loveliness.  It was all in the name of responding to an EW cover that remarked on the calm coolness that celebrities are coming out with lately.  It's almost as if being gay isn't that big of a deal anymore. *gasp!* 

I have been consciously rejecting what's on trend ever since I discovered that the ESPRIT bag I finally scored in 5th grade wasn't going to make me more popular without the Guess? jeans to go with it, so I'm going to follow Anderson's footsteps but I'm going see if I can do this in the most dramatic, obnoxious, and outrageous way possible...

if Kathy Griffin is your BFF,
do you really need to come out?
This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while and now it being Independence Day and all, and me not being a person who cares much for fireworks and looking to make meaning of this holiday for myself, and since OREO is on board now, and Mr. Cooper put his life at risk by doing it, it seems like as good a time as ever:
The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.
Oh no wait, that's what he said.

Here's my version: I am gay.

I am gay and I haven't been sure about the "coming out" process and how or if I wanted to do it because I really want to live in a world where the gender of the people we have intimate relationships with isn't of significant interest to others...  but I know that me wanting that world isn't the same as me creating that world, and I know that honesty, transparency, vulnerability, and a dash of radical self love are the ingredients to bake that world.

I am gay and it is no big deal because I live in Los Angeles and hang out with a bunch of commi-pinko-feminisist-hippies.  But there are a lot of other places in the world, and a lot of other people who live there who are openly hated because of this one aspect of who they are... and if there's anyone out there watching that who is ashamed or fearful and who would be made to feel more comfortable and confident about loving themselves for all parts of who they are by hearing that I am too... I'm up for that.

I am gay and just like any other part of what makes me who I am, I embrace and love it fully and imperfectly and am as proud of it as I am any other part of me.

end of post.  

Like I could really ever do anything that concisely...

now, people of all gender identities... in the name of transparency 
and to affirm my absence of a need for privacy, it's time for...

Frequently Asked Questions!

Wait, what?  I am gay.

How do you know?  
  • I fell for a woman. (and we made out)
  • When I started thinking about having sex with women it went like this: 1st thought--goodness, I don't know about putting my mouth there, and 2nd thought--if I never put a penis in my mouth again it will be too soon.  (sold)
  • When I told my mom she said she wasn't surprised and when I asked why not she said that straight women don't say they are in love with Rachel Maddow.  (oh, ok)  and then I had a whole lot of other illuminating conversations with others that helped me discover that straight women don't think/feel many of the things I think/feel.
  • I've always liked rainbows. (it's true)
  • I have no interest in seeing the movie "Magic Mike." (none)
Have you had sex with a woman?  Nope.

Then how do you know?  The same way straight people know they are straight before they have sex. And the same way I know everything else I know.  I just do.

Why didn't you say anything sooner?
  • At first I didn't say anything at all because I wasn't sure (now I am).
  • Then I didn't say anything explicitly because I am the middle of a divorce and didn't want to take any risks (I still am trying to get divorced, but he knows...).
  • For a while, it didn't make sense to me to make an announcement about a sudden shift in the gender of person I want to have sex with when nothing else about me has changed (it still doesn't).
  • Now even though I've gone beyond hinting and avoiding gender pronouns and it's pretty obvious to anyone who wants to see it, I didn't make any grand proclamations because I was afraid of how it would effect the people who love me (and I still am).
  • See the next question
How long have you known?  6, maybe 7 months.

Were you in denial before that?  I guess you could call it that.  I honestly didn't know but it's mostly because I never asked.  I was so focused on creating a perfect, happy family that most of the time I didn't ever consider if I was with the right person never mind the right gender of person.

Why didn't you tell me?  Probably for a lot of practical reasons like not seeing you in a time/place where it would have been appropriate... but the biggest one is that I haven't been able to get past the awkwardness involved in opening up conversations with people that are based solely around my desire to start having sex with a different gender.  I mean, when I started wanting to have sex in general I didn't have one on one conversations with all of my friends and family...  I didn't blog about it either, but that's probably just because I didn't have a blog.

You told me, does that mean I'm special?  You are special, but the two things aren't related.  We probably just have a relationship that involves talking about who I am or want to be having sex with.  Lucky you.

How do you feel?  Excited and terrified.

So, why are you doing this now?  I think I covered that up above.  Something about being inspired by Anderson Cooper.  That, and, I want to be able to share things like this on Facebook without people wondering where the hell I get off posting lesbian jokes (I am the one who hasn't talked about her feelings for 10 minutes, by the way).

Maybe you'r just bi.  First, that's not a question...  Second, yes, maybe I am.  When all this first started going down (pun intended) I wondered if maybe I was having that experience I see my son have every year at Christmas and his birthday: he has a bunch of new toys and as a result completely loses interest in all of the old toys until a few months later when he realizes he can play with them all!  ...I am pretty sure that gender is irrelevant for me when it comes to love.  I fall in love with a person for who they are on the inside and the genitalia are pretty irrelevant to that end.  That being said, at this point a man would have to be the most emotionally intelligent person on the planet for me to overlook the whole penis thing... it's possible.

clearly born this way.
Maybe it's just a phase.  Again, not a question.  Maybe it is, but really... that's just rude.  Keep that nonsense to yourself.

Wasn't your dad gay?  Yes.  Maybe it's genetic.  Feel free to ask me to participate in your research on that theory.

What do I do if this bothers me?  Um... that's up to you.  I'd prefer to be treated with loving kindness, but really you get to make your own choices.

Should I be worried about you hitting on me?  Maybe.  Are you hot?  Kidding...  Honestly, this was my top apprehension about coming out to my female friends and co-workers.  I don't know where I got the idea that anyone would be concerned about this (I mean, who wouldn't want me to lust after them. I'm awesome), but it terrifies me...  Even though it hasn't come up (yes, the above questions HAVE come up, I'm not just pulling them out of my fears like this one) and I've slowly gotten over my irrational fear, no--you don't need to worry about this.  First, you're probably not my type.  Second, I am terrible at flirting and am way too afraid of rejection to hit on anyone (especially a friend!) who hasn't already confessed their undying love for me.

So, what is your type?  I tend to be attracted to a person with a gender-queen presentation (sometimes they call themselves "butch" women), although over time I have realized that my type is broader than I initially thought and basically includes anyone who I have completely subjectively decided is a badass.  As long as I get to be the pretty one, I'm open to it.

Doesn't liking girls who look like boys mean that you just like men?  No.  Go read a book.

Can I set you up with my brother's, co-worker's, cousin's...?  Sure... this is all brand new and I'm open.  You should know (if you haven't already figured it out by reading) that I'm still pretty hung up on 38 (who is a woman, if you hadn't already figured THAT out)... So keep asking me every week or so?  You know I process rapidly.

So, now what?  Honestly, I don't know.  If you think you might I'd love to talk about it.  Sometimes I find not knowing to be very painful.  I think we just carry on.  Really, I'm the same amazing person I've always been.

Have a question that hasn't been answered?  email it to me and you may see it answered here next week!