yes, we're open

Despite having written it into the intentions for the "month" I am finding myself frustrated with being "off track" regarding the theme I'm supposed to be exploring.  It's not that I'm not exploring it (I went to IKEA to buy the kit to make my globe into two hanging lamps... that's something), it's just that it doesn't seem that interesting to write about.

Usually these "months" follow the course of the moon.  In the first half of the "month" when the moon is waxing (moving from new moon to full moon, aka-getting bigger) I am adding new habits into my life and at the halfway point when I've exhausted myself and the moon is waning (full moon back down to new moon again, aka-getting smaller) I'm shedding habits, behaviors, thoughts, patterns etc.  This month hasn't had the same momentum.  I haven't finished (or really started) any of my projects; I've been very distracted by parenting a kindergartener who is having a rough time and I've tried to explain what feels like shedding (of self judgment) as taking on (self love), but it feels a bit like a cop-out and as a result I haven't been so eager to share it with y'all.

There hasn't been a shortage of epiphanies or life lessons raining down from the heavens... I'm just not that into them.  Or rather... I'm just not that OPEN to them.

this was on display at a birthday party i attended last night.
spiderman was with me, devon wasn't.  seems like a missed opportunity.
I ended up taking Spiderman to counseling this week.  It seemed like the right thing to do at the time (it was the right thing to do at the time).  He was having a lot of distress at school, I wasn't feeling capable of handling it on my own, we sought help (and it was INCREDIBLY painful to do so, by the way...  Yes, I go to therapy and feel no shame, but I felt enormous amounts of shame for being in a place where I/he needed that kind of support and I was terrified of stepping even one foot nearly the slippery slope of child psychiatry).  Turns out it wasn't that helpful.  He's normal, I'm great, yadda yadda...  so in wondering what exactly I got for my $50 copay (besides validation from someone whose opinion I'm not that impressed by) I dug around and found this: build a community.

oh!  I got excited when I found it too.  That's totally "on theme!"  That's definitely a HUGE part of feeling at home!  yes, build a community--I'll do that! 

and that was about the extent of the excitement.  I opened up a sliver to let that in and then slammed the door shut behind it.  I'm home, but the doors and windows are boarded shut... what exactly am I trying to keep out (or in)?

Finally (yes, I know... I exaggerate...) last night after crying thanks to this I found myself sitting here with the door wide open (had I noticed I probably would have slammed it shut again, but it crept up on me). And wouldn't you know it?  Something came in!

I've told you about the intentions I set for this year, right?  Moving here, this apartment, a job to support it all, and finally a sweetheart...?  I must have.  And I also must have mentioned that they've all manifested and that they're all WAY better than I could have come up with on my own (yay universe!).  Have I mentioned how specific it's been getting?  That a lunch date I wrote about in January actually occurred (and I didn't realize until a couple hours later) a couple weeks ago?  Yep.

I've had a nagging thought that I need to get on the task of setting more intentions.  Everything I've asked for is here and that means it's time to ask for more.  The resistance to this has been (unsurprisingly) humongous.

So many reasons not to do it:
1. I just don't know what I want (ha, yeah right)
2. I don't know how much to ask for, maybe I'm being greedy (sure, play it small... that will work)
3. I'm just not feeling it (because you won't let yourself!)
4. etc. etc. etc.

Finally, sitting here, all opened up thanks to some cleansing tears and finding it VERY difficult to shake some negative storytelling that's popping up I figured out why I haven't been willing to set new intentions.  It's BECAUSE (and this is the part where you all nod and smile knowingly because you probably already knew this) if I set the new intentions that means I don't get any say in whether what I have now will be a part of the manifestation of the next chapter in this life.  I don't get to say that I want to keep and what I am willing to let go of.  I get to say what I want and then step back and let the magic work in whatever way is going to be the most effective.

If I set new intentions, and they come from my heart and from pure desire I may lose the job, the apartment, the city, or the sweetheart in order to make room for the job, the apartment, the city, or the sweetheart that/who is the best match for what I've said I want to experience.

WHAT?!  but I'm happy with what I have now!

Yep, and therein lies the magic.  Be happy with what you have now.  Be clear about what you desire.  Life will fill in the blanks.

Really, fucking scary.  But it works.

So, yeah.  I wrote the new intentions.  They're out there now... and there is so much about right now that I hope I get to keep, but I'm also pretty damn excited to see what's in store for me next.  Surrendering to you, universe.  Be gentle with me please, I'm sensitive.  Thanks.