get clear in your intention with yourself...

I mentioned Monday that I'd been working myself into a slump via food and beverage, and I didn't say much more about it but in case it wasn't clear... it's been a bit of a "processing" (which is my new way of describing "emotional" or "hard" or "crappy") week and some lack of physical self care (through those food and beverage choices) certainly helped me get there/here (by the way, I think the reason for the excessive use of food this week is because now that I am no longer numb from Lexapro, I am looking for other ways to numb... we can talk about that later if it turns out to be important, but it's not right now.  there is something important in there though... about how willing i am to be emotionally available to myself--let's address that on Friday).

Before I forget...

Today's Acts of Self Love: 
6. wore something impractical because it was pretty
7. splurged for the froofy drink (decaf mocha with almond milk if you're wondering)
8. asked for what I wanted (which was to ride with a friend to an event tonight)... and then got it! (woot!)
9. reached out to my tribe (talked to four friends on the phone and saw two in person)
10. went to a special event about spiritual psychology (love that stuff...)

What were yours?

back to blogging... :)

Body stuff has been coming up A LOT lately (in my head and self judgments), and I don't think it's a coincidence.  Prior to this last week of letting go of the "rules" I had been on a pretty strict regimen of expectations for physical self care.  I was logging my food, intentionally exercising 5-7x a week, focusing on greens... All sorts of super healthy habits, right?  But I wasn't seeing any results.  My body wasn't changing and (more importantly) I wasn't feeling any better about my body.  This is not too surprising...  Remember the 5 Stages of Consciousness?  Remember how trying to solve a problem within the same level of consciousness as where it originates isn't going to be effective (I'm not making this shit up people... Einstein said it, not me.)?  

So I know it feels awkward to embrace the idea that eating fewer calories than you burn in a day won't alone result in long term weight loss, but I know you know from your own personal experiences and maybe from what you've witnessed in others that it just ain't that easy.  And this whole level of consciousness thing is why.

A little story from inside my head (do you guys like these?  let me know): So, the psychic--remember the psychic from a week or so ago?--told me that I am going to get a wish.  I've done some good Karmic deed, the gods/goddesses owe me one, and I'm going to get to cash in on it by the end of the year.  She encouraged me to use the wish for myself (good reminder) and I've been trying to think about what I really want.  Again, body stuff has been coming up a lot.  My wish brainstorming has been wrapped up in it.  I want to weigh 175 pounds... but if I wish for that I could get there by losing my legs.  I want to be a size 10... but if I wish for that I could get there through a painful and serious illness.  "Be careful what you wish for," she left me with... eek!  scary!

So far I've come up with: I wish that by the end of this year I will love myself authentically enough that I naturally make healthy choices for my mind, body, and spirit.  But there's still some part of me that wants to tack "and therefore I end up at a healthy weight" at the end of that statement.  Because god-forbid I love myself authentically enough that I actually become satisfied with who I am right here and now in this very moment.

I don't know if I've been open with all of you about this, but this is what I want to do with my life (this=the blog, writing, talking about feelings, learning and teaching love).  And that reality makes my investment in this FULLfillment Project and this blog more important to me every day.  So last week I decided to take a leap... and I reached out to a few people I admire, introduced myself, invited them to be a part of the 100 Acts of Self Love challenge, and/or share it with their audiences.  One of the responses was lovingly candid: the person didn't have space in her life to participate right now, and she could see the truth in the work I was doing, but she was hesitant to share about in social media because she wasn't sure how others would perceive it.  She knows that weight loss is a potential and welcomed side effect of the work I'm doing but she's a staunch advocate of the body acceptance movement and she would hate for any of her readers to misunderstand my or her intentions and believe that she was promoting weight loss as an end game.

After the initial shock of "holy shit, someone I admire just wrote me an email!  hallelujah!" and then the "holy shit, someone I admire just told me 'no.'" I got to "holy shit, someone I admire just gave me feedback--i LOVE feedback."

and I started thinking... and thinking... and thinking...  and doubt* sat right next to me while I thought.  She attempted to interject with "oh no, that's a stupid idea" or "you may be onto something there, but let's not forget how stupid that means you were before you figured that out...  and I started to wonder if I even knew what I was doing here.

Do I subscribe to the body acceptance movement?  I follow "The Body is Not an Apology" on Facebook... does that count?

a photo from A Body is Not an Apology that is supposed to make me want to embrace my fatness...  it doesn't (yet).

Am I satisfied with weight loss as a potential side effect of my self love work... or is weight loss the work?

Truth be told this blog started last summer because I wanted to lose weight.  I mean, I wanted to get healthy (physically) but losing weight was going to be a sure thing so... I wanted to lose weight.  When I met 38 at the end of last year and started to realize that I didn't need food to feel fulfilled if I could fill up on life instead the focus started to shift more to the emotional and spiritual nature of the work (and I lost weight, go figure).  It's slowly started to creep back (the weight and the intention), however, to being about my ass... in sweatpants... which although I photograph and post on the internet--I do so only on my own terms and I wouldn't be caught dead in public in those pants.

Shit.  That's not going to work.

Tonight I went to an event at the University of Santa Monica called "Loyalty to Your Soul.  If my soul has it all, why don't i?"  I took pages and pages of notes and have months worth of blog material already started to brew and one thing in particular came up that is just perfect for where I am right now.  One of the speakers, Dr. Mary Hulnick kept repeating a phrase over and over all night.  

"I want you to consider getting clear in your intention with yourself."

And I would write down everything else she and her husband Ron would say, but I wouldn't write that.  Until the 800th time she said it I wrote it down thinking, "well, if I learned anything in college it's that when the teacher repeats something it's going to be on the test..." and as it wrote it down it was suddenly clear.

I need to get clear in my intention with myself.

Okay, I can do that.  

Now, there's more to this than I'm going to make it out to be, but it's late... this is already a really long post, and... well, those are enough reasons to cut it short for now.  Just keep in mind that this has been stewing for weeks--it just came to a head tonight.

Here I am getting clear in my intention with myself (and with you, because you're here reading it): This blog is about radical self love.  That's it.  

That's the intent of the FULLfillment Project.  To spend a year experimenting with different ways of experiencing self-love.  It's not a weight loss blog.  It's not a blog about wearing sweatpants in public (much to the dismay of the people who arrive here after looking for resources about that topic on google).  It's a blog about self-love.  That's what I am here to do.  And it's pretty clear to me, that there can't be any conditions on that.  I have to be willing to love myself completely, in the present moment, with no attachment to the outcome of that experience.  

If that means that I won't lose weight... so be it.  If that means that this is the body I will experience the rest of this lifetime in... so be it.  If that means that I don't attract as many potential mates as I might want the luxury of picking from... so be it.  If that means that I don't end with 38 (there, that was a little glimpse into the sudden desperation to lose weight...)... so be it (ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch).  I will love every part of me exactly as I am.  Starting now.

To make it clearer to myself, and to you... I've made a couple changes.
  1. I've changed the language in the blog name and tag lines.  It used to say "some people can wear sweats to the market and look hot.  i am not one of them.  i will be.  i will wear sweatpants in public (and look good doing it!).  Now it says "some people can wear sweats to the market and feel good about it.  i am not one of them. i will be.  i will wear sweatpants in public (and feel good doing it!)--yes, I realize there's still a predicted outcome in that statement, but it's one I can feel safe about attaching too free of self-judgment.
  2. The ass pictures are gone... but they're coming back.  They'll be on a page soon and the context of the pictures will change from month to month.  The pictures will be of me, in sweats, in public...  living it.  NOW.

I heard a quote this week on a recording of a talk from the meditation group I went to a couple weeks ago: 

"here you are the most important person you're ever likely to meet in your lifetime 
and you're on bad terms with that person"

Yeah, I'm not willing to do that anymore.

(by the way, in less than 30 minutes it will be 38's birthday...  Happy Birthday, 38!  You are so loved (and lovable and loving too!).  Thank for existing!  xxxooo)

*I told you on Monday that I would tell you on Wednesday "what if" I love the doubt instead of engaging in staring contests with her.  Um... well, it takes a lot less emotional energy.  she's still around (pops up, isn't persistently present) and I just love her and she smiles and I smile and that's about it... I am no worse for the wear.  In fact, I think I'm better for it.