Today is the last day of the "parenting" month and I can't be more relieved. I don't care if it makes me a social outcast to say so, I am way too self absorbed to focus any more time on my relationship with a tiny soul-sucking person within the context of this fulfillment project.
Yes, I am being intentionally crass. Fun right?
By the way, I'm still not really up for this (I'd rather be wallowing in self-pity and cleaning my house), but this blog is the first time I've ever been accountable to myself so I figure I should keep it up and make this part of who I am... Moving on!
This month has been difficult. Again, the graphs show that I exist on a roller coaster. I describe the qualities I track and chart as being part of "being my best self," but really what that means is "am I having a good day or a bad day?" As you can see, I have some days that exist in the middle, but I have a lot of great days and then some really shitty days. I'm still looking for that essential (is it?) balance.
|this month's trend... moving down... this week has been a doozy|
The good news: if these charts mean anything (which they probably don't), the whole FP to date is still showing an upward trend.
|annual forecast... still moving up!|
I didn't experience any consistent best self qualifiers this month, I was kind of all over the place seeing a much wider spread across all of them.
|not feeling so light this month!|
For anyone who is wondering, I used the "conscious choice log" four times this month (but am not bothering with a chart). Four out of four times I did it for something food related and I think writing down the painful consequences of my choice helped kick me back into gear with food and exercise. I have strictly adhered to the foods that are best for my body and I have been working out for about an hour a day since early last week!
which brings me to my final update for the evening: my ass!
An ass only picture is included in the sidebar with all of the others for comparison as usual, but an expanded view is here (honestly, I cannot believe I am taking pictures of my ass and posting them on the internet... this is very surreal. why isn't anyone telling me how ridiculous this is?) because I am pretty excited to see that this is what I look like from the back end. I'm pretty sure I still weigh the same (I forgot to weigh myself this morning and I'm not going to do it now) and my ass is still lumpy, but the shape is much better than last month, there's an absence of back flab, AND my waist shrunk considerably (that and in any of the previous pictures my arm flab was way too heinous not to crop out). I am starting to remember that my ass never really gets smaller, just the things around it do. I'm okay with that. That can still look good in sweatpants.
Finally, back to the point of this whole damn project. I'm experimenting with things in all areas of my life and being to see where I find the most fulfillment, to see where I should be spending my time and emotional energy, to see (more clearly) the path to being my best self and staying on it...
This month I learned that I love my son more than I even knew I did.
This month I learned that being his mom is probably the most important thing I do each day.
This month I learned there are TONS of resources out there to help me do that job the best that I can.
This month I learned that my relationship with him is going to teach me more about myself than I will likely ever give to him.
This month I learned that I can have fun just being with him and gratefully soak up these moments while they are here.
...and this month I learned that it (being a parent) doesn't fulfill me on its own. I still need to do things (like make art, and seek spirituality, eat well and move my body, and we'll find out what else in the coming months) to feel fulfilled so I CAN BE a great mom. Totally worth it. Totally.
Dalai Lama and heartbreak are on the agenda for tomorrow. I'll let you know how both go.