That was a long way of telling you I went to therapy today and it was great. It felt like a brain massage which to me is exactly what therapy should be. It loosened up some emotional material and at the end I felt quite comforted and taken care of. Often I can't cry in therapy (because I am INSANELY detached from my emotions at very innopportune times) but that wasn't the case today (by the way, I am down to 50% of the dosage of Lexapro I was taking for anxiety before... I am not experiencing much--if any--generalized anxiety. I am just experiencing feelings, and being able to process them through tears and stuff... and that is what I was going for so... yay!).
I thought I was going to write about "desire" today, it's been coming up a lot in my world this week... but it's going to have to wait for next week because something else has come up instead.
Again, I haven't meditated or done my intuitive journaling since Monday but I'm sure this weekend will be a good opportunity to get that routine better established. Spiderman is with BFO and it's just me and all of the millions of things I have planned for myself to avoid quiet time with my thoughts (tonight: a play and gluten free/vegan bakery with theangrywombat, tomorrow: sleeping in buying a cool desk on craigslist and going to see bully by myself, sunday: hiking and a meditation group). I have a feeling I am still going to have PLENTY of time to think.
That's where the good therapy comes in... pretty good timing to get some guidance from a trusted caretaker at this moment.
So I totally get that stuff happens on the journey that is life, and that we don't get to choose what stuff happens, but that we can choose to look at everything that happens as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and love. Totally get it, and usually even exist there pretty comfortably... just not there this week. I get it so much that I find myself craving the moment that I am married to the lesson I'm supposed to be learning right now. Instead I know what the lesson is and I am just completely resistant to it. It's like it and all of its peace and glory is just about a block ahead and I could totally catch up if I just picked up my pace to a light jog but I am wearing cement shoes and dragging my feet is the best I can do right now.
Good news from the therapist office: resistance is a sign that you are super close to a giant leap forward. Resistance is that part of you that is trying to lovingly protect you from what's scary and potentially painful. Resistance needs a loving pat on the head and then to be ignored and pushed past. So, that's what I am going to be working on this weekend... pushing past the resistance and taking the leap.
What's the leap? Well, like I've told you I already know that what I can be learning from this is that if I give myself the love I am so willing and able to give others that I'll be set for life. It's a pretty big one and I don't think that's any coincidence. I think it makes a lot of sense that when you cross paths with someone whose heart you can speak to directly through your heart it is bound to bring up all of your stuff--and this is clearly my stuff.
What's the fear? I feel nervous about saying it here because I am not sure how it will make me sound (like an ass maybe?)... but I'm going to do it anyway: I am afraid that if I push past the resistance and REALLY love myself as willingly as I love her that when we do reconnect I may be in a different place than she is. We're both working on the same thing in this time apart and although there is no way to do this I want to find some way to keep pace with her while we're apart so that we'll be perfectly matched when it's time to come back together.
So, I tell the therapist this and she asks me if it is "possible that loving yourself more authentically will make you even more capable loving her?"
Um, yes. Totally possible. Yes, let's go with that. It's already on the blog here under "things I know to be true": if we're going to make up stories in our head (which I am going to do) let's make up good ones.
Obviously this is bigger than my heartbreak over 38... I cling to relationships because I want to be connected. I put loving myself last because it seems more important to love others enough to keep them close. Turns out, what's probably true (I'm going to try and let you know): if I love myself first I have more love to give and more ways to be connected. Wowza.