just kidding... I'm only on 93

I guess blogger counts drafts as posts and when I realized how many I had and deleted the drafts I found that I only had 92 posts under my belt, not 99.  It's allright.  Now I'll be watching for it and will plan something special for us.  I'm better when I have time to prepare, spontaneity isn't my greatest strength.

Hi, how are you?  (then you say, "good, how are you?")

Oh, how am I?  I'm... um... well... I'm okay I guess.  

I'm learning a lot that's for sure.  Four days into missing someone you love doesn't hurt as much as it does the first or second day.  Today was more like a dull, persistent ache than anything.  Now that I think about it I almost prefer the intense shooting pains, because they go away and when they're gone I find myself pleasantly surprised to be on the other side of them.  The dull ache is an old nemesis, and I responded to it today in the same way I used to...  yep: cheese.

I knew I was going to do it, it wasn't impulsive... it was planned, and up to an hour before it actually happened I could already feel the pain in my stomach.  It would have made sense to leave it at that.  Eat an apple, feel the pain in the stomach, be distracted from the pain in my heart, and thank my body for giving me what I needed without me having to harm it into that state.  Instead I ate the cheese anyway, and it didn't hurt (which is a MAJOR problem... without consequences I have no motivation to avoid the self destructive behavior.  I can only hope I have a shitty day tomorrow to turn myself back around--kidding, sort of).  It just numbed the ache. I feel full, not fulfilled, but full.

On to more inspiring topics!

In terms of my commitments for this month so far I have done the following: 
1. Meditated 0 times
2. Had intuitive conversations 0 times

wait... didn't I say MORE inspiring?  I haven't done much for myself since Monday... I'm in a bit of a emotional survival mode, just trying to get by: be a mom, do my job, make it through rush hour traffic without crying (optional).  

It's interesting because I know that doing both of those things (meditation and the intuitive conversations) would greatly increase my capacity for healing... maybe I want to feel bad for a little while.  Oh well, tomorrow is another day (which is the painful truth I wake up to every damn morning when the sun reminds me that I have to figure out to how to exist again).  Sorry for the darkness here, but I'm getting the message that you all welcome the vulnerability, and this is where I am.

Despite being entrenched in my own drama I am filling the calendar up with opportunities to stick to my commitments.  It's going to happen.

Okay... NOW on to more inspiring topics.

To be sure I'm perfectly clear about something that I have been intentionally vague about more than once: 1. I met someone last fall who I felt instantly connected to, 2. that connection became more than a friendship (emotionally) for both of us, 3. we decided not to be in a romantic relationship (we both have a lot of self-love work to do) and tried to make a friendship work so we could continue to be in each other's lives while we worked on the stuff that was keeping us apart, 4. it didn't work...  the connection is too deep.  i fell in love., 5. we decided to take some time apart to do the needed self-work independently of one another, 6. we will come back together later this year to see how we can be in each others' lives.

The person is 38.  Saturday was the last time I saw her.  

That's the story as clearly as I can tell it. 

As you heard on Monday I already know that I can be using this opportunity where I'm not getting what I want exactly when I want it to learn patience (<--screw that)... to learn self love.  And oh what a rich opportunity it has been so far.  I have been so patient with myself and so kind to myself.  I am just letting myself feel all of the dark, yucky, mucky feelings and letting myself engage in all sorts of self destructive behaviors (oh shit, that's NOT self loving... I'll keep working on that one).

...and beyond those simple gestures of compassion, GT helped me see another way that this is exactly what I need right now.  I have always been afraid of being left.  I am certain that the people I love and people who love me will eventually leave me... and so I cling to them in desperation, willing to do anything and everything to keep them close and make them happy to be there until the point that our relationship dies and there isn't so much as a smoldering ember left to try and revive.

Last week the word abandonment came up in my head a lot.  I knew that Saturday was going to be the last time we saw each other for a while, and I knew that I was going to miss her, and I knew that it was going to be hard... and when I thought about all of those things I had normal reactions like fear, relief, confusion...  And when I wasn't thinking about it and just going about my day I would hear little whispers in my ear like "why is she abandoning you?" or "you have to do something!  don't let her abandon you!" and "it's happening again.  you're being left."


but I fought back...  NO!  I am not being abandoned.  That is NOT what is happening here.  It may feel similar, but that's just an old program... an old expectation my brain used to operate one.  We're choosing this for our relationship while the fire is still burning.  Rather than waiting until the point that one or both of us has smothered it to death, we're each going to take a torch, we're each going to stoke our individual fires until they're strong enough to light our way, and then we're each going to bring what we have back together to see how bright a light we can create.

That's what is happening here.  

Now if only it didn't have to hurt.