secrets and the sacred

I don't have a lot of secrets... Usually the only things I keep to myself are other people's secrets and the things I don't really know or understand about myself yet.  I don't have a high need for privacy (you never would have guessed it right?) and once I learn something about myself I am pretty eager to shout it from the rooftops.

Many of my friends have had an intimate level of knowledge about many of my relationships... talking about things is how I process and cope.  Still, something is happening in my life right now that I don't feel as compelled to share.  I still talk about it with people, even in some detail with a select few, but I've kept a lot more of it to myself this time than I ever have before.  AngryWombat was actually the first to notice my desire for privacy this time.  I usually tell her EVERYTHING--even the embarrassing stuff... and I was willing to talk about my feelings about this situation but I wasn't willing to give a play by play.  It became quickly evident to both of us that there was something sacred about this.  I wasn't hiding embarrassment or fear, concern or insecurity, I was protecting something very important to me and giving it the time and space to grow and thrive within the safety of my heart.

You may have noticed that nowhere in the 12 monthly installments of this project am I focusing on romantic love, ...and that is by design.  While I am not specifically avoiding it, I was aware in the process of deciding what to work on that I had a lot of things that had previously taken a backseat to my romantic relationships and I was going to intentionally reverse that for now.  I still want romantic love in my life...  damn do i... but I wasn't going to seek it out.  In fact, my expectation about this whole project is that the product of devoting so much time and energy to being my best self will be that I will have the things in my life that meet my needs--including romantic love if that's what's in the cards.

So, imagine my surprise (actually I wasn't really surprised at all, this is way life ALWAYS works) when an opportunity for romantic love presented itself...  and imagine no one's surprise that I was all sorts of eager to jump all over that!  ...and imagine how big of a fit I threw when it started not to go exactly the way I wanted it to (by changing pace).  ...and finally imagine how effectively I'm taking advantage of this opportunity for growth by looking at it in a positive, hopeful, healthy way (ha ha).

At the very least this last week has been amusing... and "amused" is one of those items in the list of "how I feel when I am doing well" in the sidebar.  I've been able to laugh at myself a lot.  One thing that has helped me do that is my horoscope.

I read a daily horoscope, just for the heck of it.  I am intriuged by astrology, and while I know enough about it to know that a blanket horoscope for the sun sign doesn't really mean much these are the gems of the last few days:
  • Friday (a couple days after a great date)-Your life is blossoming like an early spring, and you may find yourself branching out in strange, lovely new directions today.  (my reaction: woot!)
  • Saturday (the day I find out things aren't going exactly as I want them to)-Your desires are making life take a few twists and turns today -- but that doesn't mean you should rein them in! Make sure that you're pushing your needs as much as you can, actually.  (my reaction: you WANT me to be needy and demanding...?  ok then...)
  • Sunday- (the day after, when I'm dealing with my disappointment) Why bother? You don't feel like getting out of bed today, but the odds are good that you're feeling fine. In fact, your natural inclination to chill may be exactly what is needed right now.  (my reaction: is the universe really giving me permission to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself today?  I think I'll go for a hike instead)
I also got a little help from the universe in another message this morning:
With the vista of a new year still dawning, is it my imagination, or is someone out there forgetting that the "hows" are my domain? (my reaction: oops, yeah, that's me doing that...) That when it comes to manifesting change, their real job is to focus upon the end result. And that simply doing what they can, with what they've got, from where they are, will always be enough to move heaven and earth?

I didn't think so.

    The Universe

So, even though there is a small (and very noisy) part of me on the inside who was feeling like this:
your e cards | Tumblr
your e cards | Tumblr (clipped to polyvore.com)

In reality (the wiser, bigger, part of me who sees no need for shouting) is pretty thrilled to be on the receiving end of the gift of meaningful connection from a really fucking amazing person, no matter the context.

And I've been able to get here without cheese or shopping, so I must be on the right track.  Sigh--sometimes being healthy is hard...