thank you for the presence

When BFO and I first broke up this fall I had tremendous numbers of people rallying around me offering support. Many asked what they could do to help, to which I answered "presents. you can give me presents." My primary love languages are "Acts of Service" and "Receiving Gifts" and at that time in my life I was able to meet most of my own needs, but what I couldn't do was afford to buy myself presents. And then they did (buy me presents) and It was wonderful. I felt loved.

I'm starting to see that I am offered gifts every single day. Every time I wake up and start a new day I am receiving a gift (wow, that's pretty hoky--even for me, but I'm feeling it so I'm going to continue), and an opportunity to feel love. This FULLfillment project is a gift to myself and with the first installment coming to a close I am already feeling the love.

Some of the gifts I've given my physical self include:

  • Eliminating the self destructive behaviors of eating foods that hurt my body
  • Improved vision in the form of new (and really cute) glasses

yep, that's me... and those are my new glasses.  no, i don't always look that adorable, but i don't usually take my own photo if i'm not.  and i don't know if i would call that creepy other eyeball all that adorable...

  • A reminder of my body's ability to quickly transform into an active, capable being
  • A visit to my naturopath and some new minerals that are already helping me to feel less panicked
  • A whole lot of nutrient-dense food
  • I'm sure there's more...

Today, I spent time with someone I've known for years now, but just recently reconnected with and am really enjoying bonding with. We're going to call her GT, for the name of her soon to be smashingly successful new business. While at her dining room table huddled over the laptop on two separate occasion she jumped up in excitement and returned a moment later with a little gift related to something we were talking about. And of course I felt the love.

So when I was leaving and said "thank you for the presents" and GT responded with "thank you for your presence" it all came together. This whole hellish week of hormone surges and failed attempts to feel love from food and fears and doubts and learning so damn much about myself that my heart truly hurt... it just came together right there.  Earlier today I read this, and I felt sad... knowing that I wasn't ready to give up on the idea of having that kind of love that exists within a "relationship," but just a few hours later I think I'm starting to get it.

Gifts are one of the primary ways I give and receive love, and the greatest gift I can ever give or receive is presence. And if I can remember that, and offer to be present for myself, I will never not have love.