emotional intelligence

here's a baby elephant hugging picture to tide you over.

Last week I took an Emotional Intelligence assessment.  Tomorrow morning I leave on a Leadership Retreat for work where I'll get to see my results.

If I didn't do well I'm going to be pissed.  And I'm going to blame it on someone else...

*ba-dum, cymbal crash!*

Thank you folks, I'll be here all week.

(That was EI humor.  Did ya like it?)

Actually, I won't.  I'll be away for work and blog-less until next Monday, September 17th and by then we'll be in a new month.

Instead of a recap of this month let's acknowledge that this month was a bust on theme and a tremendous victory on the things that really matter: gratitude, surrender, and love.

See you next week to begin a month of adventuring!

*waving the white flag*

how many posts have I written about letting go or surrender so far?  Someone should do a search for either term and report back about how often it comes up.  Go on, I'll wait here...

look!  someone else has mixed
feelings about surrender too!

nah.  Let's just pretend this is the first time.  Because every time I do it does feel like it's the first time again.  Surrendering is NOT like riding a bike, you don't just hop back on and know how to ride.  I suppose what gets easier is recognizing that surrender is the answer and choosing to do so (if you can even choose to... it's kind of the absence of a choice or action or "doing" if you will...)

I think I've told enough backstory for you to know that Spiderman's transition to kindergarten has been rough.  Rough on him for certain... but he doesn't have a blog.  Rough on me too... and I do (lucky duck).

The REASONS it's been rough for both of us:

1. Sometimes we forget we're not in control... 
• @5:  I can't do whatever I want whenever I want and no matter how enormously I react it doesn't seem to change anything 
• @32: for much of the last four weeks when I got a report from the school about what was going on with him I thought that meant an expectation to "do something" about it came with it (turns out not so much) and again, no matter how enormously I react it doesn't seem to change anything.
2. If I can't be perfect then I don't want to do it at all...
• @5: I don't know how to speak Spanish (he's in a dual language immersion Kindergarten class) so I'm just going to refuse to speak/participate
• @32: Nothing I am doing is making anything any better so I just want to give up (but what does giving up mean?  He's too old to be dropped off at the first station and too young to be left at home alone--he knows how to unlock the door and escape... although I could put a lock on the outside... hmmmm...  just thought of that!  Kidding, authorities, just kidding.)
3. This isn't what I planned...
• @5: I thought kindergarten was going to be a week long... you're telling me I have to do this for a year and then again and again and again for the following 12?
• @12: I thought I was going to sweep into this school as super mom, peddling my positive discipline resources like candy and ultimately launching an initiative to revamp the LAUSD elementary education discipline system!  

The REASON it's been rough for both of us: We forgot to let go.  It's different at 5 than it is at 32, but it's really the same.

Today I figured out how to surrender and let go of the belief that I could do something to make it better by focusing only on what I can do (love him, set boundaries, be consistent, validate/reassure/support/encourage)... and today went a lot better.

The trick of course, is not attaching the better outcome to anything I did... a ha ha!  Life, you are so damn funny.  So... damn... funny...

holy blog post, batman!

Shit, it's Wednesday isn't it?  This was a holiday week-Monday at home and I'm all off kilter.  That, and kindergarten transition continued to be a nightmare until... TODAY!  Hallelujah!

I was ready to give up yesterday... although I'm not sure how one "gives up."  He's too old to be dropped off at the Fire Station-no questions asked.  I can't just leave him on the street to run around in traffic and beg for scraps.  I can't just leave him at home all day to burn himself boiling hot dogs a la The Glass Castle.

But today was better, as it usually is after the point when I'm certain I cannot take any more.  I wonder if I can convince the universe sooner that I'm at my wits' end?  It probably wouldn't work, I don't think I'm being rewarded for being at my wits' end.  Rather, I'm finally choosing to let go and see things another way because I'm at my wits' end.  Last night Devon really helped me do that... and that was super awkward.  Not a typical play in my dating handbook (I don't have a dating handbook or plays, for the record): blubber and sniffle about the trials of kindergarten parenting to the amazing woman you're dating and then let her offer her perspective and feedback.  Still, it felt really damn good, and she liked it... and I do have a thing for vulnerability... might as well appreciate my own vulnerability as much as I do others, eh?

random share: last night I locked both spiderman's and my bedrooms to keep him in the living room with me... and then I couldn't open them.  that was super fun.

So anyway...  Community Building Update!

Spiderman had a playdate at the park after school today.  His new friend wears a uniform of skinny jeans, oxford shirts, black leather slip on dress shoes, slicked back gelled hair, and calls his mother by her first name.  He is awesome.  His mom is awesome too.  We're getting there.

I noticed an interesting contrast when we were hanging out and getting to know each other.  In other places I've lived my parenting style has been on the progressive edge... and I've been shy about it sometimes.  It's hard to bear the judgmental glances of parents who wonder why you're not "controlling" your child.  So I'd avert eye contact or do the few things I do to fit in (like bribe) or leave...

In this new community my old neighborhood's progressive is this neighborhood's standard.  There are certainly people more granola than me, but a positive discipline approach is the expected norm.  I noticed the other mom doing things that I would have done in the past.  Trying to come across as the best mom-version of herself as she could, while also needing to be a little more stern or assertive from time to time at a volume that I wasn't supposed to be able to hear or when I wasn't supposed to be looking.

And I loved her for it.  And I showed her by being my normal, sometimes-imperfect mom self...  and she warmed up to it.  And it was awesome.

Dear Universe,

If tomorrow could be perfect too that would be really super awesome!

Love,
Kate
xoxo

yes, we're open

Despite having written it into the intentions for the "month" I am finding myself frustrated with being "off track" regarding the theme I'm supposed to be exploring.  It's not that I'm not exploring it (I went to IKEA to buy the kit to make my globe into two hanging lamps... that's something), it's just that it doesn't seem that interesting to write about.

Usually these "months" follow the course of the moon.  In the first half of the "month" when the moon is waxing (moving from new moon to full moon, aka-getting bigger) I am adding new habits into my life and at the halfway point when I've exhausted myself and the moon is waning (full moon back down to new moon again, aka-getting smaller) I'm shedding habits, behaviors, thoughts, patterns etc.  This month hasn't had the same momentum.  I haven't finished (or really started) any of my projects; I've been very distracted by parenting a kindergartener who is having a rough time and I've tried to explain what feels like shedding (of self judgment) as taking on (self love), but it feels a bit like a cop-out and as a result I haven't been so eager to share it with y'all.

There hasn't been a shortage of epiphanies or life lessons raining down from the heavens... I'm just not that into them.  Or rather... I'm just not that OPEN to them.

this was on display at a birthday party i attended last night.
spiderman was with me, devon wasn't.  seems like a missed opportunity.

I ended up taking Spiderman to counseling this week.  It seemed like the right thing to do at the time (it was the right thing to do at the time).  He was having a lot of distress at school, I wasn't feeling capable of handling it on my own, we sought help (and it was INCREDIBLY painful to do so, by the way...  Yes, I go to therapy and feel no shame, but I felt enormous amounts of shame for being in a place where I/he needed that kind of support and I was terrified of stepping even one foot nearly the slippery slope of child psychiatry).  Turns out it wasn't that helpful.  He's normal, I'm great, yadda yadda...  so in wondering what exactly I got for my $50 copay (besides validation from someone whose opinion I'm not that impressed by) I dug around and found this: build a community.

oh!  I got excited when I found it too.  That's totally "on theme!"  That's definitely a HUGE part of feeling at home!  yes, build a community--I'll do that! 

and that was about the extent of the excitement.  I opened up a sliver to let that in and then slammed the door shut behind it.  I'm home, but the doors and windows are boarded shut... what exactly am I trying to keep out (or in)?

Finally (yes, I know... I exaggerate...) last night after crying thanks to this I found myself sitting here with the door wide open (had I noticed I probably would have slammed it shut again, but it crept up on me). And wouldn't you know it?  Something came in!

I've told you about the intentions I set for this year, right?  Moving here, this apartment, a job to support it all, and finally a sweetheart...?  I must have.  And I also must have mentioned that they've all manifested and that they're all WAY better than I could have come up with on my own (yay universe!).  Have I mentioned how specific it's been getting?  That a lunch date I wrote about in January actually occurred (and I didn't realize until a couple hours later) a couple weeks ago?  Yep.

I've had a nagging thought that I need to get on the task of setting more intentions.  Everything I've asked for is here and that means it's time to ask for more.  The resistance to this has been (unsurprisingly) humongous.

So many reasons not to do it:
1. I just don't know what I want (ha, yeah right)
2. I don't know how much to ask for, maybe I'm being greedy (sure, play it small... that will work)
3. I'm just not feeling it (because you won't let yourself!)
4. etc. etc. etc.

Finally, sitting here, all opened up thanks to some cleansing tears and finding it VERY difficult to shake some negative storytelling that's popping up I figured out why I haven't been willing to set new intentions.  It's BECAUSE (and this is the part where you all nod and smile knowingly because you probably already knew this) if I set the new intentions that means I don't get any say in whether what I have now will be a part of the manifestation of the next chapter in this life.  I don't get to say that I want to keep and what I am willing to let go of.  I get to say what I want and then step back and let the magic work in whatever way is going to be the most effective.

If I set new intentions, and they come from my heart and from pure desire I may lose the job, the apartment, the city, or the sweetheart in order to make room for the job, the apartment, the city, or the sweetheart that/who is the best match for what I've said I want to experience.

WHAT?!  but I'm happy with what I have now!

Yep, and therein lies the magic.  Be happy with what you have now.  Be clear about what you desire.  Life will fill in the blanks.

Really, fucking scary.  But it works.

So, yeah.  I wrote the new intentions.  They're out there now... and there is so much about right now that I hope I get to keep, but I'm also pretty damn excited to see what's in store for me next.  Surrendering to you, universe.  Be gentle with me please, I'm sensitive.  Thanks.