mercury and i are in retrograde

In astrology, the planet Mercury rules intelligence, education and truth. When it is in retrograde, some of its power is held back.  I'm not sure what this means to all of you, but what I've decided it means to me is that I'm less able to access intelligence, education, and truth.  


Just between you and me, I think I have enough intelligence that a slight, temporary reduction in access to it can be manageable (in some audiences being a dipshit is adorable too, and it's good to have mass appeal).  Now, education and truth... those have been more frustrating.  It's been more difficult to stay on a rigid path in the course I'm taking and I've found myself falling behind (but that's not something a little self forgiveness and advance planning can't remedy).  The truth though... the truth has been the most difficult to access.


It's interesting to hear myself say this because there are some things I "know" right now in some of the most "knowingest" knowing I've ever experienced, but in addition to the beautiful presence of truth, the loud, assertive voice of the pre-progammed, all important ego brain is making itself known too.


At the beginning of this year I set some intentions for myself.  Did I tell y'all this already?  I think I did.  Let's recap. I visualized myself living in this apartment, in this city, with this job, and holding hands with a sweetheart, and now in living color, on this earth, I am living this vision (and it is BETTER than the one I came up with for myself).  Everything I asked for has arrived and the knowing part of me has relaxed into the flow of this vision becoming reality.  


Life feels... well... perfect.


cue: DOUBT


That perfect feeling life is truth.  I know it is... and that doesn't stop that truth from being challenged by mercury's absence and my related inability to hold firm to it.  I keep thinking something is going to happen to take away this truth.  Worse, that something that's going to happen will be something that I've done wrong that results in the loss of the home, the city, the job, or the relationship.  There's no truth in this fear.  It is true that any of those things could cease to exist at any moment; nothing in this illusion of life is permanent, but not because of something I do or don't do.  If one of these things disappears it wil be for a purpose greater than punishing me for my imperfection... in fact it will be to make space for something even MORE perfect to come along.


And I KNOW that.  I really do, but without mercury available for our regular pep talks it's easy to get confused about which is truth and which is fear... and I'm scared.

see, those jackets let you know something VERY bad has happened

Right before moving here I was entrenched in another fear.  I kept having these visions of the climactic episode of any season of any medical drama on primetime television.  You know the one, the episode where something epicly tragic happens: like a plane crash, building collapse, or train derailing...  In any of these episodes there's always someone trapped under the plane or train or building and that person is still alive and awake and talking and all around them the doctors (who have donned their branded, matching fleece jackets) are whispering in hushed voices about crush syndrome and the reality that the longer this person remains trapped the higher the likelihood that freeing them will result in immediate death from blood clots rushing to their brain at the moment the plane/train/building is lifted off their leg.


I was certain that I was that character, and the past six months of this life had been the plane, and I was lying beneath it oblivious to the extent of my injuries and about to be killed by crush syndrome as the move symbolized the lifting and freeing of my previously trapped body.


and then I moved... and nothing happened  Well, not nothing... but nothing tragic.  There were ups and downs and highs and lows and there have been a fair number of energy build ups and releases, but no crush syndrome, and no death... not even the more likely anti-climactic slump I experience every December 26th.


I survived being trapped under a derailed train/crashed plane/fallen building for ten years.  Woah.  


With this reality in mind and my related new found courage I expressed this newest fear to myself earlier today and this happened:

Note to self--even though life feels perfect you still don't have to be

Right.  Good point.  


You see Mercury, we can get by without you (but please come back anyway!  Seriously, this is making things more difficult than they need to be)!


and then... after reading said "note to self' a million times something else happened: I started writing a book.  


The book that's supposed to follow this blog and that will be my next big project which leads to the next big project (the talks) and the next (TED?) and the next (world domination?) and the next (I'll leave that up to the universe.  She does good things for me)...  I came home, and I started writing that book.  


It's official.  I am writing a book.


And I'm still scared.

building a fortune

There's this idea out there in the world, especially prevalent in the spiritual community, that to suffer is noble and to desire is profane.  The most profane thing to desire, of course, is money...  why would anyone ever want any of that?  I mean, it's only the single most powerful communication tool we have in this culture...  eesh.  I ain't saying I'm in favor of that power dynamic, I'm just saying... Well, I'm just sayin'.

So, there's this idea that to want and have money is somehow less righteous than to be poor.  That to be pious one must forgo all worldly pleasures, possessions, and comforts...  I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on that one.  I'm not the first, none of this is original, it's just my version.

Let's play it out this way...

If the world's currency was hugs do you think arm length would have as much stigma associated with it as money does?  I'm going to go with "doubtful" but I have really long arms so maybe I'm just being an opportunist here. It doesn't really matter how much money someone has or how long their arms are... There is no direct connection to integrity.

If we choose to participate in a capitalist society (which we don't have to, by the way... plenty of people find ways around it), which is what I choose because I suspect this is where I will make the most impact, we will be exchanging energy in the form of money.  Because of the lifestyle I choose for myself and my son I need money.  I need money to pay my rent.  I need money to buy food and clothing.  I need money to access certain learning opportunities.  I need money to provide care for spiderman so I can care for myself.  I need money for a lot of things.  I also want money for a lot of things.  I like the way I feel when I wear beautiful clothes and cheek stain.  I like to try new foods at independent restaurants.  I like to go to shows and watch people practice their art.

When I have the money to meet my needs (and even more so when I have enough to address the wants too) my life has significantly less tension, and the absence of tension allows the reality of love to shine through... and if that's not noble I don't know what is (but please don't tell me... I'm liking where this is going).

To build a fortune for myself (in this case, by the way... extra=fortune.  fortune is enough for needs and some for wants.  simple as that) I will have been practicing the following this "month."  In order to teach myself to  am keeping a Book of Fortune* and in it I record the following daily:

1. On a sheet of paper with a vertically line dividing it through the middle: on the left side I record my financial reality (example: "I always end up with less money than I think I have") and then on the right I record the opposite belief (example: "I always know how much money I have and it is enough"), and then I cross off the belief on the left.  
2. Money Flow: A daily total of the amount I've received (flow in), and a daily total of the amount I've spent (flow out), and then the difference (positive/negative) between the two.  We're looking for "extra."  Remember, "extra" is the fortune and you are allowed to have a fortune.
3. Cash on Hand: (the collecting part of this takes place in a purple velvet box in my life... you choose your own container).  I will take what I always have on hand ($10) and multiply that by 10 to determine the next goal of what I will always have on hand ($100).  Then I will put money (and record the amount in the book of fortune) into the box every day like so: a dime for each day and then the same amount as the day before plus another dime (Day 1: 10cents Total: 10cents, Day 2: 20cents Total: 30cents, Day 3: 30 cents Total: 60 cents, Day 4: 40 cents Total: 1 dollar) until I have reached that goal of cash on hand... and then start over again (with 10cents a day) until I hit the next goal ($1000).

And all of these exercises are going to change my energy about/around money.  They have simple and practical elements like awareness and saving and they have energetic elements like openness to receiving, belief reprogramming, and attraction.

So, that's what's happening behind the scenes.  I don't expect to have too much more to say about it until reporting about it at the end... but if I am surprised you know I'll tell you!  That's what I do!

Back to our regularly scheduled programming of me talking about my feelings. 

*If this all sounds kind of witchy--that's because it is.  If that bothers you, let's talk about why... 

Thank you notes are important

I have always liked instant gratification (who doesn't, right?).  No, but seriously... I have at times been addicted to instant gratification and have avoided situations where it wasn't going to present itself because I just couldn't bear to live without it.  And believe me, I got the message that I was being immature and silly and frivolous and over time I learned to live without it (although let's face it, I still crave it).


and here's the thing... when I am doing the right thing for me (spiritually... energetically...) i DO get instant gratification.  So, to everyone who thinks that desiring it is foolish: PFFFFFTTTT!  I say to you.  You don't have to have it if you don't want to, but I'm going to keep on receiving it as the gift it is.


So, that's where we are today... more gifts coming in at a rapid pace (instantly, in fact!).  As I mentioned in the intro post for this "month" I am participating in Jo Anna Rothman's "The Receiving Project" as a way to open myself up to more abundance.  Yes, this month does (will, I swear...) have a fiscal lean, but abundance is about so much more than money... and my abundance seems to be quintupling by the moment.


The Receiving Project involves getting a daily "gift" from Jo Anna with loving language prompting the reader to open her/himself to receiving and seeing the gifts the universe delivers daily.  Today is day 8 and I would like to share with you that 6 or 7 of the last days have been rough for me.


I have been feeling off center and had been having a hard time connecting to my creative self and the last couple days have been rough in general with a lot of generalized anxiety and activation in my body and right this moment I finally feel completely my (artist) self.  And the gifts I received from the universe are so unbelievably beautiful I can only process them through sheer excitement!  


Here's a little bit about two of them: 

iced tea: a gift from a friend.
the photo: a gift from my inner artist

1. I am taking an online chakra photo workshop with  Vivienne McMaster  and it was something I signed up to do just for fun… It started last week and I was just NOT feeling it.  Every week we focus (pun intended) on one of the chakras, she sends beautiful emails Mon-Weds of each week with prompts about the chakras and what to look for in our lives/days, and encourages us to capture it with photography…  and, again, just not feeling it.  Which felt so wrong… because this is so my thing.  This week began and again I was having a hard time getting into it and found myself wanting to procrastinate and then finally today I just started to see photos everywhere.  Everywhere I looked I saw a beautiful photo connected to the sacral chakra and what it's all about (feelings, water, flow, passion, orange…) and I was able to capture what I saw with my eyes in the frame.  
2. THEN… I made a new friend.  :)  I met her via freecycle the first weekend I lived here (she came to get my moving boxes).  When she came here that day she saw a piece of art I made (the red door) and was just gushing over it (which was, of course, nice) and then later we were standing outside talking and she read me like a book!  She grabbed my hand and stared right through me and said "believe in your art, you are so talented.  you can live off your art.  it's all you need" and (like I told her today) I have no desire to be a professional visual artist, but I feel like the writing and the work that's going to come from/out of the blog is my art and it was exactly what I needed to hear after dragging spiderman and myself to a foreign place on a whim that I would feel at home here and be able to live the life I wanted… sigh.  So, I walked back upstairs and I was bawling and madly scribbled what she had said on a post-it (which is in front of me on the computer right this minute).   The next day I wrote her and asked if she wanted to get together again (which she did) and then I put it off because I was overwhelmed by the move and we finally connected today and it was just great!  I saw her.  She saw me.  We found friends in each other.  It was just lovely.

My mother taught me a lot of things... and the one that I could have done a better job at sticking with is the art of thank you notes.  So, let's try and make good on that right now: 

Dear Universe, 

Thank you.  Thank you for the gifts of this life, this year, this month, this week... this DAY!  Thank you gently leading me back to center.  Thank you for showing me how to see again.  Thank you for Devon.  Thank you for the new friend (blog nickname TBD).  Thank you for all the people who love me (and I love).  Thank you for spiderman. Thank you for mom.  Hell, thank you for BFO.  Thank you for all of it.

Love, 

Kate

-----------------

To anyone who's paying attention to my promises.  I have actually started doing the money magic and I'm going to write all about it right now and post in on Friday.  Thank you for waiting!

trying to do everything=doing nothing

For as long as I can remember, my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up was long enough to be overwhelming: 
midwife
naturopathic physician
florist
magazine editor
author
speaker
pediatrician
professor
filmmaker
graphic designer
personal shopper
professional organizer
doula
lactation consultant
stylist
restauranteur
theater production something-or-other


and also for as long as I can remember I've been getting the message that this list is a problem.  that it means that I lack focus and dedication, and without a singularly focused passion I will never have enough drive to "make it."  Which is a shame, because "making it" was also the way to have a life that could accommodate all of these different interests without going broke or struggling to get by.


It's also worth noting that when these beliefs were formed my most important priority was: "get attention in the form of praise" followed closely by "be the best" which is really the same thing as the first because being the best is just a way to get more praise.  Just ask the Olympians, eh?  


...and the combination of the laundry list and the be-best-goal was a recipe for... well, for nothing!  those two things mixed together formed a delicious tonic that when consumed (and I drank it by the gallon) would render one motivationally paralyzed.  


because (in case this isn't obvious--goodness knows it took me a while) it's impossible to be the best at everything.  sigh... i know, it was tough for me too.  how about a hug?


At some point this year during this process of perfecting imperfection I had started to let go of my need to do everything (and be the best).  I would notice myself taking on more than my plate would accommodate and I would take a break and re-prioritize and not take the plate back to the table until it was balanced.  And I was getting damn good at it too.


I noticed a few weeks ago that my plate was getting heavy again.  Nothing was quite falling off the sides yet, but it was piled so high that it was starting to obscure my vision and I was dangerously close to losing my grip and dropping it (along with everything on it) to the floor.  So, I started to look for a place to set it down and make choices about what was going to stay and what was going to go... I found a place to leave it and then... I got distracted.  


And a welcome and delightful distraction she has been.  But like is bound to happen when you meet someone who reflects back all of the glorious light in you (and then make out with that person)... it's going to dredge up some of your darkness too.  Of course I'm used to the "she's going to change her mind and not want to do this with me" darkness and the "she's going to find out that I'm too moody or some other quality that makes me unworthy of love" darkness.  Those are predictable, and I know the positive self talk I need to practice to get through them.  


AND, by the way... I'm totally up for this.  This (although not always as much fun as the other parts) is the point; this is how we (I) grow.


What I wasn't prepared for was the sudden return of the drive to be able to be the best at everything all at once and the sulky resentment for the last 10 years and what I chose to do with them and the reality that those choices led me here to a place where I'm several steps from where I want to be with some significant limits in the amount of risk I can take.  Grrrrr... old self.  Grrrr.


Really ego?  I introduce you to someone who likes me for the me I am without even trying and you respond by telling me that I need to try harder? You can be a real jerk sometimes. 


Okay, I'm sorry.  I get it.  You're not a jerk, but you are a bit misinformed.  Thank you for the protective service you're trying to offer.  I appreciate what you're trying to do for me.


Little digression about how this manifested today: I've been doing morning pages again since July 2nd and even though it hadn't happened spontaneously yet I knew that the potential to converse with my intuition was present in that process. So after a weekend home alone with a plan to clear my plate that left me even more overwhelmed with what's on it instead... I decided i would use this morning's pages to ask for some guidance. And, i got it! And it was loving and generous and helpful and everything one could expect their true self to be. She reminded me of the intentions I set for the year and that I'd manifested them all (new job, new home in la, someone awesome to hold hands with and kiss on) and asked me what i wanted next. And when i told her what I wanted next we went through all the things on my plate and cut what wasnt connected to the next big goals and made space for everything that was. 


And then I closed the book, did my morning meditation, got spiderman (who is also requesting to be referred to as "golden knight" or "robot roscoe") off to day camp, aaaaaaannnnnndddddddd completely disregarded the agreement I had with myself (boo!).  Instead of narrowing my focus and giving my energy to the things that really matter I started trying to do it all again... and accomplishing nothing.


Bah!  What is up with me?!  Freakin' dopamine and norepinephrine...


Luckily it was short lived.  I'm a quick study... AND, in addition to Devon's presence dredging up some old (and new!) shit, it's also brought the most brilliant to-do list app into my life.  So, I'm off to plan my life according to what I would be doing if I were living my heart's desire each moment.

which I totally am.

(and I PROMISE we're going to get to the topic of this month this week.  P.R.O.M.I.S.E.)