"Teaching What We Need to Learn"

I'm kind of kicking ass at this "learning" month.  I finished the book on emotional intelligence, I am following the Chopra Center's 8-week path to happiness, I am listening to a series on Sounds True, I signed up for several courses via coursera, and in general... I am treating life like a course.  I am taking copious notes and marveling at the things I learn every moment.

(little celebratory dance would go here, if i were willing to do that sort of thing...)

So, there's that (yay!)

...and there's also some darkness.  I noticed it starting to creep in this past weekend.  At a high point in the weekend I had written an intention on my arm (because in the Chopra center happiness thing I mentioned above it suggested that you write your intention somewhere you'll see it often... and as I looked up from scrawling it on my arm in sharpie I saw they provided a template for me to print, write on, cut up and paste around the house.  oh well!  arm it is!)

my intention: be happy for no reason at all.  still working on it.

... and when I saw it a morning or two later my exact thoughts were "fuck you!  be happy for no reason at all?  how about be happy when there are lots of reasons to be unhappy!"

and then I laughed at how clearly I wasn't "getting" it and went on with my day...

Besides that outburst, here's how the darkness manifested: I found myself becoming (nearly) enraged at a (near) stranger's request.  What the person wanted was something I thought she should have been able to do (aka: figure out) herself and I was beyond irritated that she wouldn't at least try (and then report back her efforts therefore justifying her request for assistance-eesh, I am demanding).  The theme continued and I noticed myself becoming (thankfully slightly less) annoyed at people who couldn't  or wouldn't just do things themselves that I knew I was perfectly capable of figuring out myself with minimal effort.

I had to look within and ask myself what this annoyance was reflecting.  What is it about people who appear helpless that triggers me into such rage?  Well, if I were to imagine how I would feel about my helpless self I would be pretty disgusted.  I wouldn't be perfect if I couldn't do everything myself and if I weren't perfect then I couldn't be loved by others... and since that's the worst possible thing I could think of I avoid it at all costs (and clearly others should too).

Woah.  I thought I was past that perfectionism thing.  Seriously, I did.  Okay, you can stop laughing now... I thought because I no longer stayed up all night on projects or skipped on sleep to do as much as I could for other people or beat myself up for a stutter or missed word that I had cured my perfectionism!  I guess not so much... on the surface maybe yeah.  I don't act on it as obviously, but apparently I haven't forgiven myself for not being perfect yet AND I haven't forgiven myself for even expecting that I would be.

Lots of work ahead.

In addition to my irritation at the helpless of the world I also find myself irritated at the seemingly perfect people... I am spending A LOT of time reading, watching, listening to the people of this world who have chosen to give their life to the spiritual and self-love communities.  And a lot of those people are VERY positive ALL of the time...  (apparently I don't forgive myself for that part of me either, but that's for another post).

So imagine my relief when I start listening to the "Teaching What We Need to Learn" series on Sounds True and hear that not only are the teachers speaking about what we (me) need to learn, but what we (they) need to learn.  Hallelujah!  (and duh!)

I can't describe how ecstatic I felt when I heard Daphne Rose Kingma, author of The Future of Love (a book about non-traditional love relationships) admit that after her book on the contrasting topic became a best seller she found herself thinking 'now maybe I have earned the lifelong love relationship I yearn for...' (paraphrasing).  If I wasn't buckled in (to the car), I would have leapt from my chair in joy.

Thank you Daphne, and to all of the speakers in the Teaching What We Need to Learn series... for being open, honest, and vulnerable enough to share that even the most revered and heralded teachers in this industry are teaching on the work they are needing for themselves.

38 once asked me if I thought people could teach something they haven't mastered yet.  I answered yes then, and I am even more sure of it now... not only can they, but the should, and it's probably the best teaching they'll do.

I'm loving "teaching" you about self-love while what I'm really doing is "learning" it.  Thank you for the opportunity!

xoxo

le-et's, let's stay together...

So, if you've been following along you know that when reminded of the reality that we attract people into our lives who are a direct reflection of what is going on inside of us (and I tend to attract people who can't or won't be involved in my life in the way I want them to... aka they "leave" me) I recently figured out that I "leave" myself (or you can call it abandon if you're into those kinds of dramatics like I am).

This left me with a big question... how do I stop leaving myself?

I was intent on learning the answer to that question as soon as I asked it.  Turns out, I had more to learn about how exactly I do the leaving before an answer (or answers) could be revealed.

Last weekend I had an eye opening experience involving Del Taco and the season finale of Grey's Anatomy.  Around noon one day I was suddenly ravenous... and Del Taco was the only thing that could satiate my hunger (clue number one that I'm dealing with "hunger" and not hunger: there's a specific target in mind).  I ordered enough food for at least three adults, sat on my bed with the iPad and the ABC app tuned to the Grey's Anatomy season finale, and ate... and ate... and ate...  And when the show prompted my own emotions to bubble up I felt tears coming.  And I also noticed that the tears would instantly retreat every time I took a bite.  And I knew that a solid cry would be VERY therapeutic... but the quesadilla was right there, and so instead I ate.  There was no crying, and there was no pain.  I was comfortably full and comfortably distant from my feelings.

Then I fell asleep, and when I woke up I was lost.  I was no longer comfortably distant from my feelings... I had smothered my feelings so thoroughly with cheese that I couldn't find them anywhere... I couldn't find myself anywhere.  I felt completely alone.  I couldn't get to that still, small voice inside.  And it was all very clear.  I had "left" myself.  I had eaten myself numb to the point where I couldn't even access myself.

and then I forgave myself for it.  (it's amazing what a little forgiveness will do).

This weekend, when I sat down to watch So You Think You Can Dance with a Wheat Free Waffle slathered in peanut butter I started to notice tears coming up again... and this time I put the waffle down.  And I sobbed.  And it was awesome.

(here's what did it, maybe you could use a good cry too?)




and then I finished the waffle.  And there I was.  The tears, the snot, the relief of the discharge of a healthy cry, the full (but not overly) stomach, the body, the feelings, the thoughts...

Since first discovering the "how do I stop leaving myself?" question I have learned more than I ever thought I would about how many ways I do the leaving.  There's the food, the anxiety, the worry, the fear, the perseverating, the obsessing...  so many ways.  But if the question is "how do I stop leaving myself?" the answer is to stop doing these things.  And I know enough about human behavior to know that it's much easier for us to add things to our lives rather than remove them (we add what sounds appealing to add and then the things that need to be "removed" can fade gracefully away)...

I also know that the brain doesn't understand negatives.  Just like a child, the brain doesn't hear the "no" or the "stop."  The brain only hears and only processes the action word in the sentence.  It hears leave and it will continue to leave.  It can only follow instructions in which we tell it WHAT to do, not WHAT NOT to do.

So now the question has changed: "how can I stay with myself?"

And you know what I think the answer might be?  I think it might be silliness...  or play... or silliness and play.  Maybe it sounds simple to you, but it's something I've avoided for a long time.  It's something that makes me cringe to think about and I have a lot of resistance to.  It's something that sets off all my alarms and pushes all of my buttons.  It's something I didn't even consider involving in this FULLfillment Project (to be reevaluated).  And all of those reactions are exactly what tell me that it's likely the answer.

More on this to come...

so, here's a closing question that occurred to me today: if the people we attract are a direct reflection of what's going on inside us, what am I reflecting about the inner workings of the people whose lives I enter...

that they are fucking amazing?

Must be.  I can't really think of an alternative.

my amygdala detects a threat--attack!

Ack!  It's happened again!

Today at lunch I was so excited to write tonight's blog--I had it all composed in my head... and then I sat in traffic for two hours, had an emotional experience involving So You Think You Can Dance and waffles, came up with at least 4 new ideas... and I'm home, and I have the material, and I'm finding myself going to do other things instead of blogging again.  WTF is that about?

You know what I think it's about?  I think it's about the ideas... yeah the traffic was exhausting, but it's over, and the SYTYCD moment with the waffle was emotional, but it was cleansing... I think it's really the ideas.  I was excited about my idea at lunch when that was my present idea, but now I've had several more and I've slowed to a stop from my own momentum.  eek!

So, I write all of my ideas down... and I have for years.  But then I go back to look at them and I can't remember what the notes mean.  It's not the greatest system, but apparently it is one I have had since I was old enough for my handwriting to look like it does on the inside cover of this journal..  

my idea journal... circa 1992 (?)

I did something yesterday that renewed my energy for this and reminded me about how fulfilling this path is... I was having a crappy day and feeling worn down and after making this video and telling someone else about how I got here and where I want to go next I was completely reinvigorated...  and that just gave me more ideas.  Argh!

Okay, enough whining.  I don't have a solution right now, so I'm just going to dive into this "month" and see where it takes me.

I started reading a new book last night, The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights by Daniel Goleman, and I'm so glad I did!  It's exactly what I've been craving...  I really need to make friends with more scientists... particularly neuroscientists.  Know any?

Here's what I'm learning so far:

Not only are there parts of our brain, that when scanned, can predict what kind of mood we are likely to be in more often than not... there are brain styles that determine how quickly we become upset, how quickly recovery from distress, and even depth of feeling (yep, some people FEEL their feelings more than others... I knew it!)

Neuroscience lesson of the week!

There's this part of the brain called the amygdala that I think is significant enough to warrant all sorts of attention on clever t-shirt designs (see, more ideas...).

Why?  The amygdala is the place where our emotions come from.

The interesting (read: ridiculous) part about this is that this emotion factory is a part of our primitive brain; the part that is responsible for our survival, and reacts as such.

hi, amygdala... it's nice to finally meet you.  i can't tell you how much i've been impacted by your work.

"If the amygdala detects a threat, in an instant it can take over the rest of the brain... and we have what's called an amygdala hijack."

Okay, well that explains a lot.

"During a hijack, we can't learn, and we rely on over-learned habits, ways we've behaved time and time again.  We can't innovate or be flexible during a hijack"

Yep.

"There's one big problem with all this: the amygdala often makes mistakes."

Okay wait... so the place in my brain from which my emotions originate has the power to take over all of the rest of my brain and it does so on a whim... and is frequently misinformed?!  It sounds like we all have a teenage girl in our brain who is basically running the show... Terrifying.

The good news: we can minimize hijacks.  We can sedate the teenage girl with frappucinos and mall shopping and keep her quiet.  Only in this case, the drinks and trips are cognitive approaches (basically, talking yourself out of it and/or employing empathy) and mindfulness.  The key: early intervention (see, it really is like dealing with teenagers--or so I suspect, I try to avoid them).

Remember though, when we're in the midst of an amygdala hijack our ability to try new things or be flexible or creative is limited... which means we better be practicing these things consistently while our teenage girl is at school or listening to her iPod so we're ready when she comes out of her room.

The cool part about all of this... I can totally teach you how to get out of an amygdala hijack.  yay me! (and you, because you know me!  ...and you're great for other reasons too!)

On that note, I'm going to go meditate.

self love by the pound

Apart from a few days here and there where I really wasn't feeling it I used to be so eager to sit down and write this blog three days a week.  If there was any chance I had to get to it before spiderman went to bed I did it.  The idea I had for each post was near bursting out of my brain and the only relief was to write--and NOW!

Today is the second or third time in a  row that I've done a lot of other things on the way to writing...  I've poked around on Facebook and Twitter, read articles, watched videos (and I don't watch videos... my two minute attention span doesn't permit it most of the time), even done housework (gasp!). It's a strange experience.  I'm not 100% sure what this procrastination is about (maybe you know and you want to give me your feedback?).  It's not for a shortage of ideas.  I have at least 20 posts near bursting right now--if anything I have too many ideas and it makes it hard to process them.

I suppose things are just getting more challenging exciting (as my bio-reprogrammer would encourage me to say).  I realized shortly after telling you that I was going to need to turn inward and do some work that this blog IS my work.  I mean really.  I have an idea or feeling and this is where I process it.  There have been several days since last Friday when sitting down here to write probably would have provided me with the ideal comfort for the situation.  Big big stuff happening in my head and heart... lots of stuff being shaken loose... lots of opportunities to try different ways of dealing... lots of opportunities to be able to see clearly what ISN'T working.

I ran over my bathroom scale with my car today.

(Actually, I didn't.  I put it on the front porch for a freecycler to pick up.  If you aren't freecycling yet it is time to start.  Go to freecycle.org, find your local group, start passing things you no longer want or need to your community instead of sending them to your landfill.)

Anyway, I know that's very late 80s-early 90s fat acceptance movement of me, but I did it... and I think it was the right thing to do.

I'm engaged in this 100 Acts of Self Love challenge with all of you.  I do at least 5 intentionally self loving things a day and post about them on Facebook and Twitter.  I am making a new habit of make conscious choices to care for myself... and yet I cannot seem to stop stuffing my face.  I was seriously considering eating McDonalds today.  Seriously.  Like I told AngryWombat I was going to do it and she tried to talk me out of it and I said I was doing it anyway and... then I didn't... because McDonald's is disgusting and I haven't eaten it in at least 9 months and really there's no ruining a streak like that on a whim...

and then this happened (yeah, happened.  as in happened to me...
"you do it to yourself" -Radiohead)

So, the food issues are back, with a vengeance.  Speaking of vengeance.  It's not something I believe in so much... or at least not in enacting.  But today I went to BFO's new home for the first time and used his toilet, and it wouldn't flush all the way, and he didn't have a plunger, and... well, yeah.  I'm not into revenge, but it seems like sometimes the universe has other plans!  Oh, silly universe you... 

Anyway (again), I'm eating because I don't know what else to do with myself.  I'm tired from spending 3 hours a day in the car commuting to work.  I'm overwhelmed with all of the potential directions to take this work.  I'm hormonal because it's day 22 of my "cycle."  I'm adjusting to the new brain chemistry that comes with a 75% reduction in psychopharmacology.  I'm worn down because I have two jobs, and I'm a mom, and... that's it really.  And I tend to be pretty "fixed."  All or nothing is a recurring theme in my life... and because I can't find the time or motivation to be the "all" (which in this case is preparing homemade, organic, vegan, whole food meals for myself everyday) I'm doing "nothing" instead (which in this case means spending too much money eating out, and eating junk).

But none of that is the point... I can work on that.  The point is that I am doing all of this self-love and there is still a part of me who is so obsessed with despising her weight that I'm not getting anywhere!  I have been having this battle with my hair (and face and body) for weeks now... trying to look the way I "feel" and it just isn't working.  

I feel so beautiful.  I feel happy and healthy and smart and vibrant and talented and creative and loving and generous and... all sorts of things.  And then I look at myself and I see a gorgeous face with sparkling hazel eyes-the sweetest button nose-rosy apple cheeks-luscious pink lips, a long lovely neck and pretty collarbones, pert and perky milky white tits, and then mostly just disaster after that...  

I feel compelled to admit (to myself and all of you) that in the time 38 and I are taking apart I was going to get my ass into gear and be super diligent about diet and exercise and be a svelte version of myself by the time we reconnected...  seriously... that was my plan.  Wow. Not super healthy and...  

Yeah, not going to happen.

So in another attempt to get clear in my intentions with myself I am ditching the scale.  I don't care about how much I weigh.  I don't care about my hairstyle.  I wish I could say that I love them both, but right now "I don't care" is the best I can muster.

I am forgiving myself for having an expectation that I needed to live up to some weight loss plan, I am forgiving myself for any judgement about the plan, I am forgiving myself for any judgement about NOT being able to live up to the plan... and I'm turning back to self-love.  

And just in time, today I saw this: 

"Love is not a state of happiness all the time. Love is a dedication to see and Love the light and the dark. Not just be on a chemical high in the early stages of romance. Love is a verb and we get to choose TO Love." - Mastin Kipp

I know this to be true of all the kinds of love I experience for others.  Hey guess what?  It's going to be the same for self-love too!  I see and love the light and the dark.  I choose it.

Happy almost 1/2 way through with 100 Acts of Self Love!