well, it finally happened...

I missed my self-imposed deadline.  Friday came and went and I didn't blog.  Now, to me... it's still Friday night because I haven't been to bed yet, but technically it's Saturday and hopefully all of you are sleeping peacefully.

hmmm... what to write about...

You see, that's the real issue here.  I thought it would be hard to stick to my thrice-weekly writing commitment and it has been surprisingly simple to integrate into my life, except on the days that I don't think about what to write and am not struck with divine inspiration (you would think that on Good Friday of all days inspiration would be in abundance...  perhaps if I were a good Christian instead of the godless heathen I am).  So, now that I've managed to successfully commit to writing three days a week I think now I need to commit to thinking about writing three days a week.

So I missed my deadline.  I didn't blog.  And now I have a choice. I can feel bad about it. Or not.  I don't think I'm going to feel bad about it.

Nah.  I'm not going to feel bad about it.

I didn't blog but I did go to a great event, hung out with some cool peeps (shout out to my LLC/BB!), and then spent some quality phone time with a favorite.  If the goal of this whole thing is to get full on life instead of food (which it is), I'd say that I had a full plate (of life, not food) today and I'm going with it.

This week went by at a rapid pace and I think that is largely due to my current relationship with myself.  I had a lot of big feelings this week (anger and sadness included which aren't my favorites.  question for you: what are your favorite feelings?!) but I didn't experience any pain, torture, or distress.  This is a new experience for me. I think it comes from a place where I attempt to apply the same principles I apply to my relationship with spiderman to my relationship with myself:

Every thought or feeling I have is a normal, expected reaction to my life experience and abilities... no need to judge them or label them or punish or reward them.  Just accept them.  Let them be.  Observe them.  Then they pass and life goes on.

magic.  (by the way, sometimes when spiderman asks me how i do something i spontaneously answer "magic" before i think about the fact that it's my job to explain to him the way the world works.  my kid totally thinks i am magic.  which i am.  but that's a different story.)

meditative parenting

We're going to stick to the parenting theme this month and here's why: 

1. I am suddenly spending a lot less time with my sweet son (because of my new job/and the resulting commute and our new parenting plan/weekend-share-schedule-nightmare) and I want the time we have together to be of the highest quality possible... starting now, not next month, now.


2. Even though I am not supposed to be trying to do it all... I can certainly do more than one thing at once!  I can still write my morning pages, practice daily meditation, have conversations with my inner teacher, etc. etc. etc. all while focusing on parenting.  I can, in fact, meditate on and talk to my inner teacher about parenting... so that's what I will do.


3. I am going to see the Dalai Lama on Saturday, April 21... which is the first scheduled day of the spiritually focused month.  Um... yeah... that couldn't be any more perfect if I had planned it (which my subconscious did, I suppose).

Isn't life amazing when I stop and think about my inklings/decisions before taking action on them?  

Yes.  The answer is yes.

I recently read another blog post/article about children and change... that I won't share here because it wasn't good enough for me to endorse it, but it was so timely considering my post from Monday and some of what has been brought to the forefront of my awareness about change and my child.  Here's what I've been thinking.

My child (yes, spiderman, and yes... he really goes by that outside of the blog world) is a change machine!  He is quite possibly the single most resilient being on earth.  How couldn't he be?!  six of the moves I mentioned on Monday have been during the course of his life (he'll be five in two months... you do the math), he's gone to five different child care center/preschools since the age of four months (and changed classrooms at several of them more than once), and in the last three years he went from living in a home with both of his parents, to living in two homes with separate parents, to living with both parents again, and finally to living exclusively with me outside of regular visits with his dad.

I lived in the same house for the first 18 years of my life.  I went to one preschool, two elementary schools, one middle school, and one high school.  The kid already has me beat.  And to be completely honest, I feel so much guilt and shame for this.  I used to think I craved the changes I have since associated with escapism fantasy because my life was relatively static as a child... I have certainly prevented my child from feeling like his life is standing still... and I can only hope that doesn't result in the same distracted numbing that the changes have provided me over the years.

This divorce, although obviously having an impact on his little nervous system, is something he's approached as if it were normal.  If I am in any way responsible for creating his "normal" (which I think I can, but you can tell me I'm not and I'll believe you) then I may not have done the best job.

The biggest parenting truth I know right now is that no matter what I say, he will only learn from what I do.  That's a hard one folks... so I'll repeat it again.  No matter what I say (no matter how many times I explain the merits of healthy eating), he will only learn from what I do (which historically has been to make very poor food choices).  And it applies far beyond anything food related... 

Things spiderman probably thinks are normal (and I'll include things here that I am completely comfortable with and totally ashamed of and not identify which are which... you can guess in the comments section, we'll make it a game!) either because he's experienced them or observes me doing them: 

• moving to a new home annually


• sleeping with your mom/parents


• living with both parents, and then not... intermittently


• eating pizza five days a week (okay, i'm going to come out of the shame closet here to clarify that when this has happened it has been because of poor communication between all care providers, it's not because i ever knowingly feed him pizza five days a week)


• being surgically attached to an iPhone


• picking your nose in the car


• having a dirty house


• hoarding trash in the guise of collecting things for art projects


• having your butt wiped (or clothing be taken on/off, or really anything you can actually do by yourself but you don't want to and your mother is an enabler) by another person


• eating "meals" in every room/on every surface of the house except for the dining room/table


• making very dramatic noises when injured by clumsiness


• eating food that comes to you through the car window (some of these are from the past)

I'm sure I could go on...  I guess, the bottom line is that I know that he's watching, and sometimes it scares me to think about what he learns from that.  And then when I stop to ask myself if it should scare me to think about what I am doing to myself that makes it possible for him to learn it, sometimes the answer is yes.  Ouch.  So, if I want my son to learn to love himself I have to teach him by loving myself?  Wowza.

...and then I stomp my feet and curse and whine and act like a total baby because life is hard, and why can't it just be easy, and why can't I just get away with doing whatever I want and still get everything I want... and and and and... and then I remember he's watching and the cycle continues...

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

I like change.  I love change. When I was a kid I used to rearrange my bedroom furniture monthly, I had 12 jobs between 1994 and 2003, I have moved 16 times since 1998... and I've been happy for each of the changes, every time. Now, before you assume that I am from another planet or that you won't be able to relate to tonight's post let me clarify that, of course, I only really love change that I control (or temporarily believe that I control). ...but I do usually find a way to feel like I'm choosing the change so it works out.

Side note: I don't sit still well... I fidget and wiggle. I like to be in motion, and I mean that figuratively and literally. I think the two things are related.

I used to wonder if all the changing I did in jobs and homes was related to being unhappy (in my marriage? with myself?) and I can now say with confidence, yes. Yes, it was. Change, especially big life changes, can be a powerful distracting force... work well to numb the pain.

heh.

I've made a lot of changes recently. I changed my relationship status. I changed my diet. I changed my self care practices. I changed the pool of people I'm attracted to (to include, perhaps exclusively, people who don't have penises and do have vaginas--for now, people without genitals need not apply... baby steps)--and I know "changed" is the wrong word here, but I'm using it so it will fit into this paragraph's theme. I changed my outlook on life. I changed my job.

This explosion of changes is not an unfamiliar pattern. I subscribe to the "do it all at once" school of thought.

Still, something is different (i say that a lot lately don't i?)... changing used to be a way to escape. I loved the escape fantasy... If things were rough I would daydream endlessly about just driving away and never coming back. (Ah, blissful... Imagine combining escaping with the invisibility cloak fantasy. Heavenly, right?) I was always running away from something. This time, I feel like I'm running toward something, or maybe even alongside something (because I feel like I caught up with it already).

All of the past changes were a means of escaping, but they never worked because I was trying to escape myself... What's interesting is that when I really embraced myself, took the time to get to know her, accepted her, understood her, forgave her, loved her...I lost the desire to escape her. I actually quite adore her and I want her with me always.

When I started my new job last week I had a sense that a big change was coming... certainly my daily routine was going to be overhauled... almost everything about it would be different.  But, I was also very clear that a lot wouldn't be changing.  My roles, my values, my priorities... the things that make me who I am and make the live I am living worth it... those stayed the same.  My job changed, but my life didn't.  That.  Was a first.

In a few weeks I'm going to change my hair (drastically) and in a few months I'm going to move again (to a new city). So, I'll keep changing what's outside until the outside and inside match, but I have no expectation that it will change who I am... and I am so glad--I like what's on the inside.

p.s. speaking of change...  I am seriously considering changing the theme of this month.  In the art month last month I was having some pretty profound spiritual experiences and I am thinking it would be pretty silly to ignore my intuition because the "agenda" says otherwise.  I'll decide and let you know by Wednesday, but if that is the case I'll be moving on to "ish" which is scheduled for next month and then will either pick up with the parenting stuff again right away or move on to what comes naturally for the month.

p.p.s. speaking of change (again)... I changed my mind (or rather, my approach) about the "letting go" I shared with you on Friday.  I thought that in order to "let go" I needed to change my feelings for this person... turns out, the only way to change my feelings for her is to shut the feelings down and (since I've learned from Brene Brown that you can't selectively numb feelings... it's all or none) that doesn't work for me.  So, instead I am letting go of expectation.  I'll let you know how it goes (so far: emotional, but much better than trying not to have feelings...)

inside out, outside in

this week has been hard.  this week has also been great.

I mentioned (cryptically, because that is my way...) a couple weeks ago that I had made a decision about letting go, but I was going to sit with it for a little bit and see what happened before I did any acting or announcing.  And I sat with it... and over the course of two weeks it went all over the place, and sometimes I went with it, and sometimes I just watched it, but I didn't do anything about it and eventually it got me right back to where I was when I started (essentially).

Maybe you remember that I described a scenario where I met someone and although we had a mutual attraction we weren't going to get involved romantically.  Well, we didn't...  and we've been on a journey to get to know each other and find a context for our relationship to fit into this entire time.  At least, that's what's been happening on the outside.  We spend time together, we have a good time (or not--depending on how much we torture ourselves), we talk, we connect, we try to act like friends even though we are not just friends...  but inside (my head) we have been dating.  ...and that was fine until the scenario inside my head (and the fact that it repeatedly failed to play out in reality) started to interfere with my ability to enjoy what was happening on the outside (again, an opportunity to connect with a really fucking amazing person).  Then, I knew I was involved in something that wasn't working for me anymore.

Now, in any other situation...  I would just label the other person a problem, cut them out, and walk away.  I have done it before--way more than I would like to admit.  But I don't want to do that this time because: 

1. I am becoming aware of how powerful my mind is...  if I can create reality that gets me a fabulous new job or home and allows me to find myself at my best more often than not... then I can make this work (dammit!)
2. There is something there... and I'm not willing to walk away from it.

I can see that what I've done is gotten myself into a situation (a-gain) where I am trying to give all of my love to someone who isn't willing or able (for whatever reason) to give theirs back...  I know that I deserve it all, and I know the only way to prove that to myself and create a reality where I get what I deserve is to stop getting into situations where what I need from the relationship is not available.  So, I know that I have to stop what I am doing (inside my head)... and I'm working on it.  (whines) but it is soooo hard!

yup.

Anyone have any tips for how to "get over" someone while keeping them in your life?  Because that's the goal right now... to build a relationship with this person based on what is available in the present moment (and nothing more).

I know all people come into our lives for a reason, and I can see clearly that I am being given an opportunity to show myself and the universe that I know what I deserve... and I am going to stop engaging in the self destructive behavior of pursuing a relationship that isn't available to me... but I really, really, really don't want that to be all this is.  There IS something there.  I KNOW there is.  I hope I can be patient enough to find out what.

so anyway... that's what the "letting go" was about.  I'm letting go of something, that was happening completely within the confines of my skull, because it was starting to hurt my heart...

outside of my head this week has been great.  I started my new job which seems like it's going to be wonderful!  I recovered fully from a very poor food choice on Sunday (binged on Mexican--it even hurt while it was going down and I just kept eating it), I've forgiven myself, and haven't completely gotten off track (although I've made some less than perfect choices since).

Although I still haven't "done" anything my relationship with spiderman and my ability to find fulfillment in my role as his mother has grown tremendously already.  It's amazing what a little awareness and intention can do!

when I was doing my HR paperwork on Tuesday I can across this portion of the employee manual and inside my head this is what happened: eek!  they have a blogging policy!  of course, I have no reason to be concerned...  I don't define "work" so any blogging that I do about "work" is free from making any impression on the company I work for.  All is well...

blogger beware

Lastly, bfo is going to start taking on more responsibility as spiderman's father and take him overnight every other weekend...  starting tomorrow.  it hasn't even happened yet and i've spent a lot of time this week feeling anticipatorily sad about it.  i thought about making plans to distract myself.  i thought about how awful it would be if i was miserable during those plans so i thought about making plans to stay at home and feel sorry for myself instead.  i'm still not sure exactly what i'm doing, but i think it involves e-cigarettes, outlet shopping, palm springs, and maybe an indian casino or two with the angry wombat.

outside of my head: good stuff

inside my head: scary stuff

note to self: stay out of head.