inside out, outside in

this week has been hard.  this week has also been great.

I mentioned (cryptically, because that is my way...) a couple weeks ago that I had made a decision about letting go, but I was going to sit with it for a little bit and see what happened before I did any acting or announcing.  And I sat with it... and over the course of two weeks it went all over the place, and sometimes I went with it, and sometimes I just watched it, but I didn't do anything about it and eventually it got me right back to where I was when I started (essentially).

Maybe you remember that I described a scenario where I met someone and although we had a mutual attraction we weren't going to get involved romantically.  Well, we didn't...  and we've been on a journey to get to know each other and find a context for our relationship to fit into this entire time.  At least, that's what's been happening on the outside.  We spend time together, we have a good time (or not--depending on how much we torture ourselves), we talk, we connect, we try to act like friends even though we are not just friends...  but inside (my head) we have been dating.  ...and that was fine until the scenario inside my head (and the fact that it repeatedly failed to play out in reality) started to interfere with my ability to enjoy what was happening on the outside (again, an opportunity to connect with a really fucking amazing person).  Then, I knew I was involved in something that wasn't working for me anymore.

Now, in any other situation...  I would just label the other person a problem, cut them out, and walk away.  I have done it before--way more than I would like to admit.  But I don't want to do that this time because: 

1. I am becoming aware of how powerful my mind is...  if I can create reality that gets me a fabulous new job or home and allows me to find myself at my best more often than not... then I can make this work (dammit!)
2. There is something there... and I'm not willing to walk away from it.

I can see that what I've done is gotten myself into a situation (a-gain) where I am trying to give all of my love to someone who isn't willing or able (for whatever reason) to give theirs back...  I know that I deserve it all, and I know the only way to prove that to myself and create a reality where I get what I deserve is to stop getting into situations where what I need from the relationship is not available.  So, I know that I have to stop what I am doing (inside my head)... and I'm working on it.  (whines) but it is soooo hard!

yup.

Anyone have any tips for how to "get over" someone while keeping them in your life?  Because that's the goal right now... to build a relationship with this person based on what is available in the present moment (and nothing more).

I know all people come into our lives for a reason, and I can see clearly that I am being given an opportunity to show myself and the universe that I know what I deserve... and I am going to stop engaging in the self destructive behavior of pursuing a relationship that isn't available to me... but I really, really, really don't want that to be all this is.  There IS something there.  I KNOW there is.  I hope I can be patient enough to find out what.

so anyway... that's what the "letting go" was about.  I'm letting go of something, that was happening completely within the confines of my skull, because it was starting to hurt my heart...

outside of my head this week has been great.  I started my new job which seems like it's going to be wonderful!  I recovered fully from a very poor food choice on Sunday (binged on Mexican--it even hurt while it was going down and I just kept eating it), I've forgiven myself, and haven't completely gotten off track (although I've made some less than perfect choices since).

Although I still haven't "done" anything my relationship with spiderman and my ability to find fulfillment in my role as his mother has grown tremendously already.  It's amazing what a little awareness and intention can do!

when I was doing my HR paperwork on Tuesday I can across this portion of the employee manual and inside my head this is what happened: eek!  they have a blogging policy!  of course, I have no reason to be concerned...  I don't define "work" so any blogging that I do about "work" is free from making any impression on the company I work for.  All is well...

blogger beware

Lastly, bfo is going to start taking on more responsibility as spiderman's father and take him overnight every other weekend...  starting tomorrow.  it hasn't even happened yet and i've spent a lot of time this week feeling anticipatorily sad about it.  i thought about making plans to distract myself.  i thought about how awful it would be if i was miserable during those plans so i thought about making plans to stay at home and feel sorry for myself instead.  i'm still not sure exactly what i'm doing, but i think it involves e-cigarettes, outlet shopping, palm springs, and maybe an indian casino or two with the angry wombat.

outside of my head: good stuff

inside my head: scary stuff

note to self: stay out of head.