mercury and i are in retrograde

In astrology, the planet Mercury rules intelligence, education and truth. When it is in retrograde, some of its power is held back.  I'm not sure what this means to all of you, but what I've decided it means to me is that I'm less able to access intelligence, education, and truth.  


Just between you and me, I think I have enough intelligence that a slight, temporary reduction in access to it can be manageable (in some audiences being a dipshit is adorable too, and it's good to have mass appeal).  Now, education and truth... those have been more frustrating.  It's been more difficult to stay on a rigid path in the course I'm taking and I've found myself falling behind (but that's not something a little self forgiveness and advance planning can't remedy).  The truth though... the truth has been the most difficult to access.


It's interesting to hear myself say this because there are some things I "know" right now in some of the most "knowingest" knowing I've ever experienced, but in addition to the beautiful presence of truth, the loud, assertive voice of the pre-progammed, all important ego brain is making itself known too.


At the beginning of this year I set some intentions for myself.  Did I tell y'all this already?  I think I did.  Let's recap. I visualized myself living in this apartment, in this city, with this job, and holding hands with a sweetheart, and now in living color, on this earth, I am living this vision (and it is BETTER than the one I came up with for myself).  Everything I asked for has arrived and the knowing part of me has relaxed into the flow of this vision becoming reality.  


Life feels... well... perfect.


cue: DOUBT


That perfect feeling life is truth.  I know it is... and that doesn't stop that truth from being challenged by mercury's absence and my related inability to hold firm to it.  I keep thinking something is going to happen to take away this truth.  Worse, that something that's going to happen will be something that I've done wrong that results in the loss of the home, the city, the job, or the relationship.  There's no truth in this fear.  It is true that any of those things could cease to exist at any moment; nothing in this illusion of life is permanent, but not because of something I do or don't do.  If one of these things disappears it wil be for a purpose greater than punishing me for my imperfection... in fact it will be to make space for something even MORE perfect to come along.


And I KNOW that.  I really do, but without mercury available for our regular pep talks it's easy to get confused about which is truth and which is fear... and I'm scared.

see, those jackets let you know something VERY bad has happened

Right before moving here I was entrenched in another fear.  I kept having these visions of the climactic episode of any season of any medical drama on primetime television.  You know the one, the episode where something epicly tragic happens: like a plane crash, building collapse, or train derailing...  In any of these episodes there's always someone trapped under the plane or train or building and that person is still alive and awake and talking and all around them the doctors (who have donned their branded, matching fleece jackets) are whispering in hushed voices about crush syndrome and the reality that the longer this person remains trapped the higher the likelihood that freeing them will result in immediate death from blood clots rushing to their brain at the moment the plane/train/building is lifted off their leg.


I was certain that I was that character, and the past six months of this life had been the plane, and I was lying beneath it oblivious to the extent of my injuries and about to be killed by crush syndrome as the move symbolized the lifting and freeing of my previously trapped body.


and then I moved... and nothing happened  Well, not nothing... but nothing tragic.  There were ups and downs and highs and lows and there have been a fair number of energy build ups and releases, but no crush syndrome, and no death... not even the more likely anti-climactic slump I experience every December 26th.


I survived being trapped under a derailed train/crashed plane/fallen building for ten years.  Woah.  


With this reality in mind and my related new found courage I expressed this newest fear to myself earlier today and this happened:

Note to self--even though life feels perfect you still don't have to be

Right.  Good point.  


You see Mercury, we can get by without you (but please come back anyway!  Seriously, this is making things more difficult than they need to be)!


and then... after reading said "note to self' a million times something else happened: I started writing a book.  


The book that's supposed to follow this blog and that will be my next big project which leads to the next big project (the talks) and the next (TED?) and the next (world domination?) and the next (I'll leave that up to the universe.  She does good things for me)...  I came home, and I started writing that book.  


It's official.  I am writing a book.


And I'm still scared.