Still... somehow it isn't enough to get me through an entire day. I carry around this message that if I could just hear it from someone (else) that it will be enough. So when I feel this way, I call or write the people closest to me and if they don't give it on their own I ask for it outright, and I get it, and it's good. Many of them love me the way I want to be loved. They see me the way I want to be seen and I get a little boost, and then it wears off... and the space remains.
I've felt the space a lot in this last week, and it feels huge and hauntingly empty. And even with my loved ones are throwing their love into the hole at a rapid pace and it's like dropping grains of sand into a volcano... the vacuous vessel remains darkened by the openness; I still have this idea that if I heard what I wanted to hear from someone (namely... the people I'm not getting it from for one reason or another: like 38 because she's not around or BFO because he is completely disinterested in being kind or gracious when interacting with me) that the void would fill.
By this point in the self-love journey I know enough that even if some magic brought me the attention I desire from 38 and loving kindness from BFO that the fix would be temporary at best. Finally, I realized the reason the love I'm getting from others isn't filling the void is because I'm not giving myself any of the love I so desperately want.
In a romantic relationship there is no way I would rather be loved than through a love letter. It's the perfect marriage of my love languages (gifts and words) and I crave it.
So, what if I write one to myself? What would that be like? What if I heard everything that I already hear from my mom, and Angry Wombat, and GT/Becky, and all of my other loved ones and what I want to hear from 38 and BFO and anyone else who was once in my life and now isn't... what if I heard all of that from myself?
Let's find out. Shall we?
Dear Kate,
Wow. I am in awe of you. Over the last several months, maybe even the whole time I've known you, when faced with things that often bring out the worst in people somehow you bring your best self to the table. You handle yourself with grace and dignity and are so impressively kind and generous with your love, time, and energy. I admire the strength of character you maintain when the stresses of everyday life grow and press against you.
I know that waiting isn't your favorite thing, and I know that it's been difficult for you to endure discomfort in the short term in the name of a long term payoff. I promise you, it's close! Really, you're there already!
As you approach and ultimately experience the rewards for the work you've put into the last several months I want you to see the beautiful life you've created for yourself and your son. I want you to know that I can see that these changes are in the name of living your true purpose and being who you are supposed to be. I can't think of a better way to be as a parent, friend, daughter, co-worker, citizen of the world... You are so incredibly courageous. I'm so excited for you to have new experiences in your new community and show the world how amazing I already get to know you are.
Even though I know what you're capable of, you continue to surprise me with every leap. You seem to be able to just decide and do something--it's not a common quality--but I know that doesn't always make it easy and I admire the ways you always look for what to learn from every stumble and frame your experiences in such growth oriented ways.
When I think about what I want for the rest of my life I know I want to experience as much love as possible, and I know that with your tremendous capacity for love I am going to get that with you. When I think about the company I want to keep and the type of people I want around me to learn and grow from, you're at the top of the list.
When I look at you I see a radiant beauty. I'm sure of that is your inner beauty pouring out, but even if you were evil you'd still be beautiful. I mean, that face... come on. Perfection! And let's not forget the hip to waist ratio, legs that go to heaven, and a heart shaped rear end. You're gorgeous, and strong, and I love everything about you... even the parts you don't always like.
You are the person I want to spend all my time with. I want to explore the city with you and delight in watching you experience new things and learn about what brings you joy. I want to do simple things with you just to enjoy your company and watch you develop new skills and talents. I want to read what you read, listen to what you listen to, watch what you watch, and go where you go, and then understand your reactions and impressions to it all.
You aren't enough... you are more than enough... you have it all and you are it all... and I love you.
Love, Kate
xxSo, I actually wrote this to myself several days ago and have been reading it a few times a day... anytime I was feeling any lack. and... it's incredible. With it comes a longer lasting lift into peace and comfort than any outside source has ever been able to provide. I highly recommend it.
What would a love letter to yourself say? What kind of love would you long to experience? What would it be like if you could give that love to yourself? I invite you to find out.
