You know I can hear you
Oh shit, now it knows. Blew that one.
 |
| this month really has nothing to do with this tv show, other than they share a name. oh yeah, that. |
These were the intentions for this month (by the way, I'm using the term "intention" incorrectly here. Intentions are more about what I want to experience... these are more like goals than anything, but I'll get on that next time with more careful word choice, or at least it is my intention to! *snort*) and how they went:
- Take a class (audio, online, video, whatever... just take a class
- I signed up to take an online pharmacology course at coursera.org, but it doesn't start until June 25th... I shall report back on that another time if it feels relevant
- I signed up AND took Mastin Kipp's "Love Uni-Versity: Love & Relationship Bootcamp." I have a lot to say about that. Stayed tuned.
- Read a non-fiction book (all of it. from start to finish. about something new.)
- I read The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights by Daniel Goleman and it was wonderful. It was also very short, and I felt (for a moment) like a bit of a cheater... but hell... I said I would read a book, I didn't say I would read a LONG book (and for the record, I read at least 4 books this month, just one that was non-fiction and about something new)
- Seek out an academic experience (like maybe grad school?)
- I went to visit (twice) and am saving my pennies (and incorporating tuition into my budget) to enroll for the Fall term at University of Santa Monica! I have been thinking about and exploring grad school options for YEARS and nothing has ever felt quite right, and nothing has ever prompted me to say YES right now. Super excited!
- Ask questions--lots of them. And do so from a perspective of genuine curiosity.
- This one was the hardest, maybe because it's hardest to measure. I did do it... and what came up was the realization that sometime my questions of pure intent can be interpreted in ways other than what I intended, and then I have to deal with that! Which is probably why I avoided it before. BUT... I didn't let that stop me. I took those reactions ON instead of taking them IN, and kept on asking when I was curious (which was often)
So, about this Bootcamp with Mastin... I have a lot to say about it, so I'm going to make a list, because I am good at making lists and people like lists (don't you, people?):
- I have mixed feelings about Mastin Kipp... most of which are a reflection of inner judgements and insecurities I have about myself (duh), but the way these mixed feelings look are: Sometimes I find Mastin to be difficult to digest. He says (writes?) OMG in his blog and speaks in other very youthful, slangy ways... He's a young man, living in Los Angeles, and even if he wasn't it would still be perfectly fine for him to speak however he chooses... but for whatever reason (jealous of someone else's success much? <--watch that video, it's good stuff even if you aren't jealous of Mastin's success) it bugs me AND THEN because 38 adores him (and he's kind of the big time, so I need to know what he's up to) I read his stuff anyway and he writes things like this "The circumstances of your present moment DO NOT define you. Who you are is an innocent child of The Uni-verse who can ask for GRACE at any time, who is blessed and who experiences miracles regularly when you do not block them with your fear and doubt" and I am all sorts of in love with him on the soul to soul level until the next day when the brother/sister relationship I have with him in my head returns. and: repeat. Pretty much daily.
- So, knowing about my mixed feelings, you can understand why ignored the first 30 million emails and ads and links and referrals that talked about this online class... that AND I am not in a relationship (unless you count that weird one I'm in with 38 where we were dating but we weren't and then we broke up but we didn't and now we have no contact with each other but sometimes I see things that make me imagine that we do... sigh. That counts as a relationship, right?) nor do I have ANY interest in being in a romantic relationship with anyone (I thought I might for about three days last week and even filled out a profile on okCupid instead of just using it as a catalog for browsing like I sometimes do when I'm super moody but this morning I came to my senses and disabled it).
- Then FINALLY, in one of those moments where I loved Mastin (because honestly, he's great. He's a different face and a different voice from so many who do this kind of work, his site and the idea behind his "Daily Love" is simple and digestible for people from all walk's of life; and as a result he has tremendous reach and impact. He has a dynamic and also accessible group of guest contributors on the blog. I truly do admire him and his work even while I'm judging his use of text speak in the darker moments) I read one of the emails or referrals about the class and it said something about how the class wasn't just about romantic relationships, but all relationships, even/especially the relationship with yourself. Now we know I can get on board with that--so I signed up!
- And the class began. 5 days worth of calls I could join live or listen to recordings of after the fact... The first day I called (because I could, the others... I was at work) and the call was mostly about masculine and feminine energies and the required polarity that needs to exist to have a long term, romantic relationship... and that's all I heard (romantic), and then I put the walls up and shut down! I started to take the class as if I were auditing it for research purposes, rather than trying to grow (oops).
- But I didn't realize I had shut down yet so I still listened and tried to participate and even exchanged emails with Mastin about trying to determine whether my core energy was masculine or feminine... but I was so resistant to the process we didn't really get anywhere. And in the meantime I was missing all sorts of gold about a relationship with the divine and attracting someone who is what we really want...
- And finally... on the last day, I realized what I had done and with a heart full of gratitude for the power of the downloadable recording, I started over. :)
- I have a lot of work to do.
I love learning. I used to keep a log of everything I learned each day. It was a great idea, I should start doing it again. ...and this month I learned (beyond anything and everything else) that I learn best with an open heart, when I'm applying the learning to my own life, and digesting it fully. Only then can I have rich experiences that enhance my ability to be more aware of and more in touch with love.
Vulnerability leads to love? Who knew! (kidding, I totally knew. but I guess I need to be reminded regularly. Maybe you do too?)
