Dear Myself this time...

Lately (always?), I get a lot of positive feedback from the people in my life... I'm fresh off my most-read blog post to date and am getting TONS of loving attention from people who I love.  It feels wonderful.

Still... somehow it isn't enough to get me through an entire day.  I carry around this message that if I could just hear it from someone (else) that it will be enough.  So when I feel this way, I call or write the people closest to me and if they don't give it on their own I ask for it outright, and I get it, and it's good.  Many of them love me the way I want to be loved.  They see me the way I want to be seen and I get a little boost, and then it wears off... and the space remains.

I've felt the space a lot in this last week, and it feels huge and hauntingly empty.  And even with my loved ones are throwing their love into the hole at a rapid pace and it's like dropping grains of sand into a volcano... the vacuous vessel remains darkened by the openness; I still have this idea that if I heard what I wanted to hear from someone (namely... the people I'm not getting it from for one reason or another: like 38 because she's not around or BFO because he is completely disinterested in being kind or gracious when interacting with me) that the void would fill.


By this point in the self-love journey I know enough that even if some magic brought me the attention I desire from 38 and loving kindness from BFO that the fix would be temporary at best.  Finally, I realized the reason the love I'm getting from others isn't filling the void is because I'm not giving myself any of the love I so desperately want.

In a romantic relationship there is no way I would rather be loved than through a love letter.  It's the perfect marriage of my love languages (gifts and words) and I crave it.

So, what if I write one to myself?  What would that be like?  What if I heard everything that I already hear from my mom, and Angry Wombat, and GT/Becky, and all of my other loved ones and what I want to hear from 38 and BFO and anyone else who was once in my life and now isn't... what if I heard all of that from myself?

Let's find out.  Shall we?

Dear Kate,  

Wow.  I am in awe of you.  Over the last several months, maybe even the whole time I've known you, when faced with things that often bring out the worst in people somehow you bring your best self to the table.  You handle yourself with grace and dignity and are so impressively kind and generous with your love, time, and energy.  I admire the strength of character you maintain when the stresses of everyday life grow and press against you.   

I know that waiting isn't your favorite thing, and I know that it's been difficult for you to endure discomfort in the short term in the name of a long term payoff.  I promise you, it's close!  Really, you're there already! 

As you approach and ultimately experience the rewards for the work you've put into the last several months I want you to see the beautiful life you've created for yourself and your son.  I want you to know that I can see that these changes are in the name of living your true purpose and being who you are supposed to be.  I can't think of a better way to be as a parent, friend, daughter, co-worker, citizen of the world...  You are so incredibly courageous. I'm so excited for you to have new experiences in your new community and show the world how amazing I already get to know you are.

Even though I know what you're capable of, you continue to surprise me with every leap.  You seem to be able to just decide and do something--it's not a common quality--but I know that doesn't always make it easy and I admire the ways you always look for what to learn from every stumble and frame your experiences in such growth oriented ways.    

When I think about what I want for the rest of my life I know I want to experience as much love as possible, and I know that with your tremendous capacity for love I am going to get that with you.  When I think about the company I want to keep and the type of people I want around me to learn and grow from, you're at the top of the list. 

When I look at you I see a radiant beauty.  I'm sure of that is your inner beauty pouring out, but even if you were evil you'd still be beautiful.  I mean, that face... come on.  Perfection!  And let's not forget the hip to waist ratio, legs that go to heaven, and a heart shaped rear end.  You're gorgeous, and strong, and I love everything about you...  even the parts you don't always like.

You are the person I want to spend all my time with.  I want to explore the city with you and delight in watching you experience new things and learn about what brings you joy.  I want to do simple things with you just to enjoy your company and watch you develop new skills and talents.  I want to read what you read, listen to what you listen to, watch what you watch, and go where you go, and then understand your reactions and impressions to it all.   

You aren't enough... you are more than enough... you have it all and you are it all... and I love you.   

Love, Kate  

xx

So, I actually wrote this to myself several days ago and have been reading it a few times a day... anytime I was feeling any lack.  and... it's incredible.  With it comes a longer lasting lift into peace and comfort than any outside source has ever been able to provide.  I highly recommend it.

What would a love letter to yourself say?  What kind of love would you long to experience?  What would it be like if you could give that love to yourself?  I invite you to find out.

My Big Gay Blog Post!

Anderson Cooper came out this week, and like Anderson Cooper is apt to do, he did it with all sorts of loveliness.  It was all in the name of responding to an EW cover that remarked on the calm coolness that celebrities are coming out with lately.  It's almost as if being gay isn't that big of a deal anymore. *gasp!* 


I have been consciously rejecting what's on trend ever since I discovered that the ESPRIT bag I finally scored in 5th grade wasn't going to make me more popular without the Guess? jeans to go with it, so I'm going to follow Anderson's footsteps but I'm going see if I can do this in the most dramatic, obnoxious, and outrageous way possible...

if Kathy Griffin is your BFF,
do you really need to come out?

This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while and now it being Independence Day and all, and me not being a person who cares much for fireworks and looking to make meaning of this holiday for myself, and since OREO is on board now, and Mr. Cooper put his life at risk by doing it, it seems like as good a time as ever:

The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.

Oh no wait, that's what he said.

Here's my version: I am gay.

I am gay and I haven't been sure about the "coming out" process and how or if I wanted to do it because I really want to live in a world where the gender of the people we have intimate relationships with isn't of significant interest to others...  but I know that me wanting that world isn't the same as me creating that world, and I know that honesty, transparency, vulnerability, and a dash of radical self love are the ingredients to bake that world.

I am gay and it is no big deal because I live in Los Angeles and hang out with a bunch of commi-pinko-feminisist-hippies.  But there are a lot of other places in the world, and a lot of other people who live there who are openly hated because of this one aspect of who they are... and if there's anyone out there watching that who is ashamed or fearful and who would be made to feel more comfortable and confident about loving themselves for all parts of who they are by hearing that I am too... I'm up for that.

I am gay and just like any other part of what makes me who I am, I embrace and love it fully and imperfectly and am as proud of it as I am any other part of me.

end of post.  

Like I could really ever do anything that concisely...

now, people of all gender identities... in the name of transparency 
and to affirm my absence of a need for privacy, it's time for...

Frequently Asked Questions!

Wait, what?  I am gay.

How do you know?  

• I fell for a woman. (and we made out)
• When I started thinking about having sex with women it went like this: 1st thought--goodness, I don't know about putting my mouth there, and 2nd thought--if I never put a penis in my mouth again it will be too soon.  (sold)
• When I told my mom she said she wasn't surprised and when I asked why not she said that straight women don't say they are in love with Rachel Maddow.  (oh, ok)  and then I had a whole lot of other illuminating conversations with others that helped me discover that straight women don't think/feel many of the things I think/feel.
• I've always liked rainbows. (it's true)
• I have no interest in seeing the movie "Magic Mike." (none)

Have you had sex with a woman?  Nope.

Then how do you know?  The same way straight people know they are straight before they have sex. And the same way I know everything else I know.  I just do.


Why didn't you say anything sooner?

• At first I didn't say anything at all because I wasn't sure (now I am).
• Then I didn't say anything explicitly because I am the middle of a divorce and didn't want to take any risks (I still am trying to get divorced, but he knows...).
• For a while, it didn't make sense to me to make an announcement about a sudden shift in the gender of person I want to have sex with when nothing else about me has changed (it still doesn't).
• Now even though I've gone beyond hinting and avoiding gender pronouns and it's pretty obvious to anyone who wants to see it, I didn't make any grand proclamations because I was afraid of how it would effect the people who love me (and I still am).
• See the next question

How long have you known?  6, maybe 7 months.

Were you in denial before that?  I guess you could call it that.  I honestly didn't know but it's mostly because I never asked.  I was so focused on creating a perfect, happy family that most of the time I didn't ever consider if I was with the right person never mind the right gender of person.

Why didn't you tell me?  Probably for a lot of practical reasons like not seeing you in a time/place where it would have been appropriate... but the biggest one is that I haven't been able to get past the awkwardness involved in opening up conversations with people that are based solely around my desire to start having sex with a different gender.  I mean, when I started wanting to have sex in general I didn't have one on one conversations with all of my friends and family...  I didn't blog about it either, but that's probably just because I didn't have a blog.

You told me, does that mean I'm special?  You are special, but the two things aren't related.  We probably just have a relationship that involves talking about who I am or want to be having sex with.  Lucky you.

How do you feel?  Excited and terrified.

So, why are you doing this now?  I think I covered that up above.  Something about being inspired by Anderson Cooper.  That, and, I want to be able to share things like this on Facebook without people wondering where the hell I get off posting lesbian jokes (I am the one who hasn't talked about her feelings for 10 minutes, by the way).

Maybe you'r just bi.  First, that's not a question...  Second, yes, maybe I am.  When all this first started going down (pun intended) I wondered if maybe I was having that experience I see my son have every year at Christmas and his birthday: he has a bunch of new toys and as a result completely loses interest in all of the old toys until a few months later when he realizes he can play with them all!  ...I am pretty sure that gender is irrelevant for me when it comes to love.  I fall in love with a person for who they are on the inside and the genitalia are pretty irrelevant to that end.  That being said, at this point a man would have to be the most emotionally intelligent person on the planet for me to overlook the whole penis thing... it's possible.

clearly born this way.

Maybe it's just a phase.  Again, not a question.  Maybe it is, but really... that's just rude.  Keep that nonsense to yourself.

Wasn't your dad gay?  Yes.  Maybe it's genetic.  Feel free to ask me to participate in your research on that theory.

What do I do if this bothers me?  Um... that's up to you.  I'd prefer to be treated with loving kindness, but really you get to make your own choices.

Should I be worried about you hitting on me?  Maybe.  Are you hot?  Kidding...  Honestly, this was my top apprehension about coming out to my female friends and co-workers.  I don't know where I got the idea that anyone would be concerned about this (I mean, who wouldn't want me to lust after them. I'm awesome), but it terrifies me...  Even though it hasn't come up (yes, the above questions HAVE come up, I'm not just pulling them out of my fears like this one) and I've slowly gotten over my irrational fear, no--you don't need to worry about this.  First, you're probably not my type.  Second, I am terrible at flirting and am way too afraid of rejection to hit on anyone (especially a friend!) who hasn't already confessed their undying love for me.

So, what is your type?  I tend to be attracted to a person with a gender-queen presentation (sometimes they call themselves "butch" women), although over time I have realized that my type is broader than I initially thought and basically includes anyone who I have completely subjectively decided is a badass.  As long as I get to be the pretty one, I'm open to it.

Doesn't liking girls who look like boys mean that you just like men?  No.  Go read a book.

Can I set you up with my brother's, co-worker's, cousin's...?  Sure... this is all brand new and I'm open.  You should know (if you haven't already figured it out by reading) that I'm still pretty hung up on 38 (who is a woman, if you hadn't already figured THAT out)... So keep asking me every week or so?  You know I process rapidly.

So, now what?  Honestly, I don't know.  If you think you might I'd love to talk about it.  Sometimes I find not knowing to be very painful.  I think we just carry on.  Really, I'm the same amazing person I've always been.

Have a question that hasn't been answered?  email it to me and you may see it answered here next week!

I am enough, the moving edition

I'm sitting here on 8:15 on a Saturday morning, eating mushy leftover Pad See Ew (which is my favorite Thai noodle dish, but can go horribly wrong so ordering it from someplace new is a risk...  Vegan House's on Sunset--not good.  Order the wonton soup from there instead and keep looking for good Pad See Ew in Silverlake) and drinking a diet coke (yes, liquid poison) that I squirted my daily dose of B6 and magnesium into (as if that somehow makes it okay) and waiting for ...looking for ...asking for inspiration.

And like usually happens when I ask, I received (if this doesn't happen for you, let's talk about it).

Today's inspiration came through a few things I had saved to my reading list within the last couple weeks and finally clicked on today:

• “We become successful by admitting we are not perfect, rather than trying to be perfect and thinking that we’re not enough.” 
• "Although I had let go of trying to be “perfect” I was still striving to be better... I realized that I had worn myself out living the hustle to become better."
• "Instead of trying to be perfect with poise and grace, I am now trying to be imperfect with poise and grace." 

Of course Mastin is on the list... it's funny, ever since I admitted he irritates me I find his work to speak to me even louder.  I guess I just needed to release the "irritation" by saying it out loud (sorry for being a jerk, Mastin).  And now Tracey Clark, who seems to be telling my story...

...and with just a few paragraphs from these two I have been reminded that I am enough.

I have actually been avoiding reading things like this for a while because, like Tracey, "I realized that I had worn myself out living the hustle to become better."  I have purchased/downloaded/saved enough reading material from potential sources of inspiration of these to last me years... but they are nothing if I don't integrate the material into my reality.  So after collecting sources of inspiration for months and feeling uninspired, I walked away from it for a little while.

Today I needed some inspiration, I came back here, and found it... and now what?  Time to integrate!

Why was I seeking inspiration in the first place?  I am moving in 5 days and I haven't packed a single box and (maybe more importantly) I have no desire to.  This feels...  um...  awkward.

What's true: My sink is full of dirty dishes.  There are piles of laundry in various forms (dirty on the floor, dirty in the hamper, clean in the washer but soon to be dirty again if they don't make it to the dryer soon, clean in the dryer, clean in the basket but not folded, clean-folded-but on the couch still) in every room in the house.  Spiderman's temperature is climbing past the 100 degree mark as the pathogens that resided inside me earlier this week invade his little body and he's hunkered down in front of the TV where I intend to leave him all day.  I feel a bit clogged and foggy (literally) because my ears are full of congestion that hasn't drained yet.  I have work to do for my 2nd job and I am on a pretty strict deadline.

Things clearly aren't perfect, and that's okay!  Really!  Things haven't been perfect in a day to day sort of way for weeks (months?) and I am so much more comfortable with being imperfect than I ever have been before that I barely even notice it.  I love and accept myself fully, the dark and light bits--the firm and jiggly bits--the sweet and sour bits--the loving and nasty bits, nearly all of the time.

In fact, I'm realizing that since I've started embracing my imperfect-ness, I've managed to become comfortable with being imperfect while doing all of the following (and probably more, but this is what I can think of in this imperfect moment):

1. Parenting
2. Housekeeping (who are we kidding, I was always okay with doing this imperfectly)
3. Leaving an old job
4. Starting a new job
5. Working as a contractor for an old employer
6. Commuting
7. Changing my hair
8. Maintaining friendships
9. Making new friends/connections
10. Blogging about a FULLfillment project
11. Getting myself ready for the day
12. Maintaining an exercise routine
13. Feeding myself
14. Practicing radical self care
15. Co-parenting with a former spouse
16. Being a daughter
17. Participating in challenges to introduce new habits
18. Loving myself
19. Loving other people
20. Having feelings

That's a solid lot of imperfection practice.

Still, with all of this acceptance of my imperfection in my normal life... I find I haven't been satisfied with the pace of my progress towards moving.

What's also true: I haven't done any of things I had planned on doing for the move by now: I haven't sorted through old clothes and toys to separate out what's no longer used for donating; I haven't gone through the piles and piles of documents to toss out what's irrelevant; I haven't made any lists, project plans, flowcharts, diagrams, or maps.  In my previously perfect process of moving I only got through step 2 (step 1: measure new home, step 2: create scale floor plan, step 3: create scale furniture pieces and rearrange to perfection, step 4: pack immaculately organized/labeled boxes with FULL list of contents on the outside and specific destination, step 5: move) and then I just stopped.

And couldn't quite figure out why.  I mean, I knew I was sick and tired and would need to let some things go, but then I got better and when I had the time to get back on track with step 3 and beyond, I didn't.  I felt stuck.  The truth is, when I came here for inspiration this morning, I was looking for something to inspire me to reach my previous perfection... and (thank goodness!) I found the opposite.

Now I can see that because I wasn't going to be able to do it perfectly I didn't want to/couldn't figure out how to do it!

One of the curses of being a fast processor is that I sometimes integrate things into my life at such a rapid pace that I quickly forget that they are new and need tender, loving care to set roots and grow.

With this in mind I can see that I am going to embark on a few major things in the next several months that I haven't done imperfectly before.  I am going to:

1. Pack, move, unpack a home
2. Go to school
3. Parent an elementary school kid (eek!)
4. Have an emotionally/physically intimate relationship with another person (I don't actually know this, just hopefully anticipating...)

Yowza.  I have a feeling I'm in for a LOT of new experiences.

And this is why I'm looking forward to them...  What's REALLY true: I am enough.  I am so enough that my enoughness isn't impacted by cupcakes, oversleeping, or skipping makeup and the hairbrush.  I am so enough that my enoughness isn't changed by dirty dishes, crying at preschool dance performances, or the absence of a plan.  I am so enough that my enoughness isn't even touched by a last minute, haphazardly thrown together move!

Phew, being imperfect is a lot of work!

Gotta run.  Gotta go imperfectly pack a house.

dear everyone and no one

A lot of the noise in my head this week has started with the ever-popular Facebook status meme "dear so and so, ..."

Here's a collection of mine from this week.  Hopefully this will get it out of my system.

Dear fellow road-warriors of Los Angeles,

I understand that my tendency to accommodate requested lane changes and pedestrian crossings is unusual here, but I'm new...  and moved here with a pretty solid sense of self so your honking and cursing aren't going to change my mind about what's right.

Thanks for trying to teach me the rules of the road,

Kate

Dear Tomatoes,
For 32 years I have been picking you out if everything you come in. Two days ago I enjoyed you in a sandwich accidentally and I've been tolerating on purpose ever since. You're not that bad after all. 

Here's to something new, Kate

Dear women of The Real L Word, 

Did you know that people are watching you have sex with your real life partner(s) on TV?  Like, for real.  We can see you.  Do you know that?  Just wondering.

Love the show, 

Kate

Dear Pizza, 

Please stop tasting so good.

You'd be doing me a solid, 

Kate

Dear Vegan Cheese, 

Please start tasting better.

Please, 

Kate

Dear Kaiser, 

When I use your online appointment request system and you respond with a message to me that my symptoms may be a sign of an urgent condition and then instruct me to call in for nurse advice re: treatment instead of scheduling an appointment for me you are actually delaying my treatment.  Treatment usually happens at appointments.  Schedule me a damn appointment so I can get treatment for my "urgent" condition.

Geez,

Kate

Dear Self,

That water isn't going to drink itself.

Bottoms up,

Kate

Dear wifi modem, 

I know you're sad that I'm leaving, but do you think you could hold it together and make the most of the short time we have left by actually working?  I'd love to give you the attention you need but visiting you every 20 minutes to perform a manual reset isn't my idea of quality time.

Trying to stay connected, 

Kate

Dear immune system,

Let's kick the snot out of this thing.

Literally.  I've got things to do.

Love you,

Kate

Dear neighbor kids who have been experimenting with "ding-dong ditch,"
I'd go tell your parents... but you're never being supervised and I'd hate for you to be beaten just for having some childish fun. So instead... I'm just leaving my door open. Come over anytime. 

Neener neener,
Kate

Dear freeway, 

Maybe just a little break?  A little one?  Teeny tiny?  One day, or even just one way one day?

Consider it, 

Kate

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