*waving the white flag*

how many posts have I written about letting go or surrender so far?  Someone should do a search for either term and report back about how often it comes up.  Go on, I'll wait here...

look!  someone else has mixed
feelings about surrender too!

nah.  Let's just pretend this is the first time.  Because every time I do it does feel like it's the first time again.  Surrendering is NOT like riding a bike, you don't just hop back on and know how to ride.  I suppose what gets easier is recognizing that surrender is the answer and choosing to do so (if you can even choose to... it's kind of the absence of a choice or action or "doing" if you will...)

I think I've told enough backstory for you to know that Spiderman's transition to kindergarten has been rough.  Rough on him for certain... but he doesn't have a blog.  Rough on me too... and I do (lucky duck).

The REASONS it's been rough for both of us:

1. Sometimes we forget we're not in control... 
• @5:  I can't do whatever I want whenever I want and no matter how enormously I react it doesn't seem to change anything 
• @32: for much of the last four weeks when I got a report from the school about what was going on with him I thought that meant an expectation to "do something" about it came with it (turns out not so much) and again, no matter how enormously I react it doesn't seem to change anything.
2. If I can't be perfect then I don't want to do it at all...
• @5: I don't know how to speak Spanish (he's in a dual language immersion Kindergarten class) so I'm just going to refuse to speak/participate
• @32: Nothing I am doing is making anything any better so I just want to give up (but what does giving up mean?  He's too old to be dropped off at the first station and too young to be left at home alone--he knows how to unlock the door and escape... although I could put a lock on the outside... hmmmm...  just thought of that!  Kidding, authorities, just kidding.)
3. This isn't what I planned...
• @5: I thought kindergarten was going to be a week long... you're telling me I have to do this for a year and then again and again and again for the following 12?
• @12: I thought I was going to sweep into this school as super mom, peddling my positive discipline resources like candy and ultimately launching an initiative to revamp the LAUSD elementary education discipline system!  

The REASON it's been rough for both of us: We forgot to let go.  It's different at 5 than it is at 32, but it's really the same.

Today I figured out how to surrender and let go of the belief that I could do something to make it better by focusing only on what I can do (love him, set boundaries, be consistent, validate/reassure/support/encourage)... and today went a lot better.

The trick of course, is not attaching the better outcome to anything I did... a ha ha!  Life, you are so damn funny.  So... damn... funny...