reading myself

Over the last two days I reread everything I've ever written in this blog... and you know what came up?

this is my "proof" of working smart.
emailing about schedules.  totally hot, i know.

(well, besides a whole lot of attempts to make excuses about why not to do it even though I said I was going to do it and need to hold myself accountable?)

In reading myself I was alarmed to see how quickly things moved over the last year.  Not really for my own sake, though... I tend to go fast and it works for me...  more out of fear of being found out.  As in: if anyone realizes how little experience I have doing any of these things I currently practice as my life they are going to know I'm a huge fraud and instantly <pick one: fire, dump, reject, shame, ignore> me.

Ay yay yay.

Even though it only took a year to get here, one of the benefits of the new me is that I know when my own head is spewing bullshit that needn't have my attention anymore.

Thank you, head.  Thank you, as always, for trying to protect me.  I've got this.

champagne wishes and nyquil dreams

A couple weeks ago Spiderman started coughing.  Two Friday mornings ago I found him curled up on the couch under a blanket when I got out of the shower.  He never ran a fever, but was a little slowed down for a day or so.  He bounced back quickly.

Last Monday some sniffles I attributed to crying a lot (just hormones, nothing to fret about) turned into the cold Spiderman was incubating.  Then the next day I conducted a training... then the next three days I spent in bed, only waking and sitting up when I needed to facilitate some webinars for work (still in bed, mind you).  An entire week later, my snot is still green... (although yesterday it was a very neon yellow perhaps this was my body's christmas present to itself?) and abundant.

Per Devon's prompting I've been giving myself massive indigestion by downing a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar every morning.  I've even resorted to cold medicine.  I took Dayquil twice with no remarkable results, and Nyquil a few times which resulted in being able to sleep but not much else.

My head is pounding.

I have procrastinating to stop but my body seems to be getting in the way.  I did exactly what I was supposed to do as soon as I realized I was sick.  I stayed in bed.  I didn't push it.  I rested.  I drank fluids.  I allowed myself to be cared for by my sweet.  Still-this shit has been going on for 10 days with little to no progress towards wellness.  I'm sick (and whiney apparently).

Today I went back to work in the office.  Somehow, even though I sniffled and hacked through the day, I thought that meant I was back in action.  I had a to-do list a mile long developing in my head for tonight... and now I'm pretty sure all I'm going to do is make it through the making of the list.

Blargh.

That's why I haven't been here.  That's why I might not be here for the rest of this week.  Because even if I manage to get well I gots shits to do!  I promise to take pictures of myself doing stuff to post in lieu of writing if I manage to get out of bed.

For now, there are 30mL of liquid relief (poison) calling my name.

Why on earth do they make it that awful color?

work smart (December 13ish-January 10 (2013) or for life!)

This is it, folks... the first official post of last "month" of the FULLfillment Project.  This isn't going to happen again.

I know.  Soak it in.

Before the panic starts up, the answer to your next question is: I will keep blogging.  About what, I don't know...  I have an idea or two or five hundred... but talking about that would just be procrastinating which is what I've been doing for the last week anyway and is time to stop.  If there's one thing I know it's that procrastinating is not "working smart."  Nope-nope-nope.

I'm not going to give you a recap of last month because like we learned before it started... I didn't need to get sexy.  I am sexy.  Always have been.  Always will be.  (so there).  And, no, I didn't take the burlesque class--I have mixed feelings.  Let's talk about them after January 10th...  yes, let's get on track here!

This final month is called "work smart (love what i do and do it with love)" and it seems to have come at the perfect time (it's almost as if someone designed this project to work perfectly!  hmmmmm....)  This project is coming to an end, along with the most challenging and rewarding year of my life to date, and it's time to figure out what's next.  At the end of 2011 and the start of this project I allowed myself most of January to figure out how to do all of this... to plan for it... this time, there will be no planning gap.  Planning will be embedded in the project.  That's what this month will be about.

Intentions:

the post-it that says it all.

• to feel good about what I'm doing with my time
• to let myself create when/where/and what I want
• to move toward autonomy and independence

How I'm going to do it:

• Lots of lists, likely.  and calendars... tasks... reminders...  all that jazz
• Vision Board--woot!
• Asking for help

That's it really... I'm swimming in ideas right now.  I have a lot to juggle.  I want to help people who are having trouble reaching their goals because of issues with communication... I want to make cruciferous vegetables into snacks that taste like junk food... I want to keep writing (and I want you to keep reading)...  I want to learn from every little opportunity I can at my current work...  and I want to do it all at once.  Which seems like a lot.  Too much, maybe?

Until I look at what I did in 2012: 

• took up hiking (more) by joining a group of (used to be) strangers
• left a job of 10 years
• started a new job
• saw the dalai lama
• moved to los angeles
• filed for divorce
• survived to see the day the divorce was final
• practiced oodles and oodles of self love and brought others along for the ride
• discovered my queerness
• parented a 5 year old (and myself) through starting kindergarten
• fell in love
• started a formal meditation practice
• and... well...  this.  i did this (blog).  i did this (project).  i found me.  i liked her.  we stayed together.

Seems like I can do a lot in one year.

you know how when...

A new "month" started 4 days ago... and I seem to be avoiding it.  I didn't forget, but I let myself pretend that I had.  It's the last one in this project and that seems like kind of a big deal.  So, I'll get there... but not tonight.  Tonight, let's just stick with what I already wrote.

You know how when you have an idea to make (draw, paint, build, cook, etc) something and you start to and it doesn't look (smell, taste, feel, etc) like it did in your head?  That phenomena used to stop me, and I've learned in my adulthood to push through that and get whatever I'm making either to the picture in my head or if that doesn't happen find a way to love it for what it turns out to be.  I've actually gotten quite adept at recognizing and appreciating the happy accident... almost enough to have mostly stopped forming ideas in my head of the way things will turn out to be before they get there.  Except...
...with dancing.  I don't dance.  It's not that I don't want to do it.  I have all sorts of dreamy, cinematic pictures in my head of dance numbers that I (and the folks around me) break into on cue at the most emotionally intense moments in my life...  but whether it's a chorus line to make a point or just bumping up against my love at a party the moving images in my head of what my body would be able to do with music aren't what actually comes out of my limbs.

And I don't push through it.  I don't keep trying to get to the picture.  Nor do I end up loving it for what it ends up being.  What's up with that?

random, unrelated picture of miracle leaf hovering in mid air...

One of the things we practice in MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) is walking meditation.  Which is essentially paying attention, on purpose, to walking.  Which can mean a whole lot of different things (thank goodness, if it was only one thing I don't think I would be able to tolerate doing it as often as we have) because there's a lot about walking to pay attention to.  Last week when I was paying attention to walking I was trying to pay attention to each individual movement and separate it from the one that came before and the one that came next (which is essentially impossible because they are completely interconnected, but still super interesting).  And besides eventually being able to recognize some very key steps in the process of walking that I had previously taken for granted...  I also witnessed tremendous gratitude for my body and what it does for me and how well it works...

and in the next moment, I noticed...  I am graceful.  I felt the way the movements of one foot, ankle, calf, knee, thigh, and hip pushed up and transferred my weight from one side to another in one long sweeping movement up the leg and the way the weight came down on the other side and settled into the other hip, thigh, knee, calf, ankle, and foot.  And that it repeated in a beautiful arc that didn't have a beginning or an end... and it was graceful.  I was graceful.  I always have been.

(I tell Devon about this and she says, in a very loving way using many different and varied words, I told you so)

So now... with all my body does for me I feel compelled to do right by it.  To do something that honors the grace and persistence and the unending service.  Guess what that thing probably is?  Dancing.  *sigh*