warriors birth warriors and worriers birth worriers

After enjoying the simplicity of Sunday afternoon on my shag rug I returned home just in time for a spiking fever to send me to bed.  BFO was gracious and generous enough to bring Spiderman home so I didn't have to go get him (11. BFO is gracious, 12. BFO is generous) and I was relieved knowing that 8:00 p.m. on Sunday would bring a sleepy boy and this momma could get back to resting quickly herself.

But I was terribly uncomfortable: throbbing head, aching body, shivering/shaking/sweating, all that lovely stuff and I was reminded in an awkward moment how connected Spiderman and I are.  He usually returns from his weekends away with BFO like most people return from a weekend in Vegas; he had a great time, but he is tired... and after a bit of complaining about the fun times left behind he falls comfortably into my arms and into slumber shortly after.

This time he sat awake.  And every time I tossed or turned in discomfort he did the same.  As I would start to drift off and then be jolted away by a new pain he would sit up and say he couldn't sleep.  We were on the same rhythm... and the melody was flat and droney.

He fell asleep around 10 and we made it through the night (I spent most of it on the couch retching and waking in terror from nightmares about vampires, abandonment, and abandonment by vampires) and in the car the next morning we had this amusing exchange.

Spiderman: Momma, why is your arm so big?
Me: (Touching the top of my arm at first and starting to say 'because I'm a grownup' while thinking about how to explain what fat is)
Spiderman: No momma.  Not the top, the bottom part that's hanging down and droopy, why is that so big?
Me: (laughing.  note to world: if you aren't laughing at the cruel things your child says to you, you are missing an opportunity to laugh) Because momma used to eat a lot of food and then not do enough exercise and that made fat cells grow on momma's body like these here (jiggles arm flap).
Spiderman: You need exercise for a healthy body.  You need to exercise every day.  Like lifting those orange things (weights) and getting on that balance thing (elliptical).
Me: Yes, sweet heart.  We all need healthy food, water, exercise, and sleep for a healthy body.  Every day.

-end of conversation-

Cue to that evening (at least 12 hours later) when we've pulled into the garage and I'm getting him out of his carseat when he inquires with a scrutinizing scowl on his precious face:

"Momma, did you do your exercise today?!"
"Yes, love.  I did." 
"hmm.  good." (with the intent scowl remaining)

(between you and me, I am counting the two flights of stairs between my parked car and my new apartment and the few trips I made it up and down as my exercise for the day.  I'm sick.  It counts.)

I didn't sacrifice hours of sleep and personal space nursing and co-sleeping with this child for many years past the comfortable American "norm" to have him think that HE needs to take care of ME.  Again, after years of being age appropriately honest with him and avoiding trickery and bribery no matter how tempting it is, there is NO reason why he shouldn't trust me.

Except one: we share a nervous system.

Oh yeah, that one.

my inner child. :)

"Do what I say, Not what I do" isn't just ineffective because it is hypocritical, it is in effective because children are intuitive sponges with their internal radios dialed to their caretakers' frequencies.

Whether I give him anything to worry about or not, he will worry if I worry.  Whether I tell him to care for himself first or not, he will feel responsible for others if he sees me do it.  Whether I encourage him to play and be youthful or not, he will prioritize being "grown up" if that's what he sees me do.

If I needed a reason to embrace play, or to infuse my life with silliness and joy...  that would top them all.

okay sweet boy, are you ready for this?  we're going goofy and carefree!

(someone out there: protect us?  please!)

what transformation feels like

I am sick.  My body is trying to give me the gift of a slower pace.  And I'm accepting it.  To alleviate discomfort I've pulled out the neti pot and the willow/garlic ear oil and am sucking on herbal vitamin C drops... and primarily I've allowed myself to slow down.

It's really not the ideal time to slow down.  I have one week left in my contract with former employer and several hours worth of work to do.  I am moving to a new home in 11 days and haven't packed a single box nor hired a moving company.  I am done fighting with BFO, but not because the issue of childcare and money and visitation has been resolved... just because I realized that I am not a fighter so I stopped fighting and started loving instead (it feels much better).  Oh, and I still have a  normal day job and a child to tend to.

I could pump my body full of dayquil and caffeine and go about my business trying to postpone this head cold for a more convenient time, but after at least 6 weeks of not watching a single television program without also doing something else at the same time: working, cooking, cleaning house, trying to go to sleep... I really enjoyed just lying on the couch and watching a full episode of So You Think You Can Dance in one sitting.

So, I've given in to the slower pace and in it I've found something lovely.  I think it's peace.

the rug.  it and me are both enough.

On Saturday The Angry Wombat and I went up to LA to get the keys for my new home and took a few things from the old house with us.  While we were there we found a cool red velvet couch at a yard sale next door and a red (and orange and purple) shag rug at IKEA.  We went out to lunch and puttered around the neighborhood doing nothing in particular.  We came back and set up the fish tank and brought the plants out to their new home on the balcony.

On Sunday when I returned to feed the fish and water the plants I took a book, takeout channa masala, and water with me.  And I stayed for four hours.  No internet.  No TV.  No talking.  Just me and chickpeas and the fish and the plants and the new rug and the balcony and the sunshine and the fresh air and a book that I didn't end up opening.

After eating, as I was lying on the rug staring out the sliding glass door I realized that I had no desire to go back to the old house.  

I used to LOVE moving.  Especially the packing/unpacking part.  I loved the feeling of accomplishment and security that came from neatly packing and labeling each box with its destination and contents.  And I was often so far ahead in packing that by the time I moved and began the process of unpacking I had forgotten about my own possessions and it was like shopping in my boxes with something new in each package!  As a Taurus (or maybe just as myself) I love things.  I like to see them, touch them, collect them, get attached to them.  I appreciate beauty and I love my stuff.

So, I'm lying there... searching for that old feeling, not seeing it anywhere, and wondering if it will return when my ears stop aching and then I realized something.  The things I brought from the old house were living things: the plants and the fish.  And with the exception of Spiderman (who I would pick up from BFO that evening) nothing was missing.  If I had been given the opportunity to start living there right that minute and in exchange I would have to give up on all of the possessions left behind at the old house... I would have taken it.  Gladly.

And it felt so freeing.  Moving from a 1600 square foot house into a 600 square foot apartment without the luxuries of water and ice in the fridge door or my own inside laundry was something I told myself I would be able to do if I could value living the simple life.  I'm not sure if I really believed that though... I just said it to myself a lot.

Apparently, often enough, because in my tiny, simple apartment with myself and the other living creatures in my life close by (or at least in my heart), I felt complete.

And I lied there (there was a lot of lying down this weekend) and thought, this is what it feels like to be different...  I did it.  Cool.

show me the most beautiful woman in the world...

You know that horrid saying?

You know the one.

"Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I'll show you a man (or woman) who's tired of sleeping with her?"

Yeah, that one.

I'm thinking about coining a new one.  How do you like this?

"Show me the most loving woman in the world and I'll show you a man who believes she is a raging bitch"

attention world, there is stock photo of this.  yowza.

BFO and I are fighting about my upcoming move (and child care and money and his time with spiderman and all sorts of important stuff).  And initially (I'm talking about like an hour ago--fresh!) it was REALLY painful.

Like... shockingly painful.  But then I realized that this is our pattern.  We're fine when everything is just flowing, but if there are decisions to be made, something new to figure out, or compromises to be had we fall apart almost instantly.  It's amazing to me that you can live with someone for 10 years and in 6 short months be completely unable to work with them.  What kind of denial were we living in then?  Or maybe now?

The painful part was realizing that he sees he me in a very unattractive light.  And I don't mean physically, although probably that too...  I mean, he seems to think that I am horrid.  An awful bully who doesn't care what other people think.  It's completely the opposite of the image I have of myself.  To be even more specific, the painful part was remembering that I used to share that same vision of myself.  I'm grateful not to any longer, but still... ouch.

I was always in charge in our marriage.  I made all of the decisions... and I actually thought I was doing him a favor by being that way.

Note to self: people want to have a say in their own lives even if it appears they don't because their pace is different from yours.

Really, I do know that by now, but we were way past the point of no return and even if we weren't, we just aren't "right" for each other.

So, I was young, and anxious and reacted by trying to control...  but here we are now exchanging unpleasantries and I am horrified by how he sees me and can I feign innocence?  Not really... I probably see him through a horrid lens too.

Ugh.  The worst part about this whole thing is that it really sucked the joy out of the day yesterday.  I couldn't even post about my daily joy/silliness for the challenge because I honestly couldn't recall any.  I'm sure there was some... but I was blinded to it.  It was freaky.

I witnessed at least two miracles this week:
1. A boy whose mom I know from an online group of women who had babies due in June 2007 got a new kidney after years of painful and terrifying treatment for atypical HUS (a disease that destroys the kidneys when the immune system is stimulated).  I got to see the power of prayer lift this family into light from the moment they found out there was a potential match all the way through a successful transplant.  They still have a long road ahead, and the road will be bumpy, but they are scheduled to go home next week.
2. At Spiderman's Spring Program I saw two preschool children reach out to another child in kindness and invite him to hold hands and "twist" with them when his assigned partner was unwilling.  No one told them to... they, as 3 year olds, were able to see his need and offer him comfort with a simple gesture.

These are the things people are talking about when they say "there is only love."  Everything else is only an illusion.

So when I flounder and flap around shrieking (in my head) about not knowing what to do about a fight with BFO and how to make this better, that root of love is probably a good place to start.

And now is always a good time, isn't it?

Things to love about BFO:

1. He loves spiderman, with all his heart
2. He has been and continues to be a master of play.  He shares with him a spirit of playfulness that I not yet been able to harness in myself.
3. He is tender and comforting to our sweet boy when he needs it
4. He is clever
5. He is loving
6. He is an excellent arguer/debater/convincer
7. He is persistent and committed
8. He is fun
9. He never raises his voice
10. He's a great cook

-----------

I wrote this last night and have been sitting in it since, and I have to say... it really helped.

On another bright note, Spiderman and I played Freeze Tag when we got home today.  Silliness, Joy, and an elevated heart rate.  Yay!

what's up for next month? Schedule change!

It's a new month!  It's a new month!  Hooray!

This last one was TOUGH.  Honestly... it was slower and lower than a lot of things I have experienced lately.  What was wonderful about it, however, is that I could see the darkness (witness, acknowledge, honor, sit with, etc.) but I was not the darkness and it was not me.  That was new. :)

I saw two things over the weekend that helped lift my spirits and validate my experiences.

The first was a helpful reminder and came in the form of a quote shared by Ronna Detrick in a post called "Words on Waiting"
When you can only do—nothing—you have arrived where healing begins. For us to grow, it takes waiting. In our culture this is the hardest part—patience and waiting. For when we allow a process to unfold in its own rhythm and to grow at its own mysterious pace it often feels as though everything has come to a halt. We mistake it for total stagnation.
~ Gertrude Mueller Nelson, Here All Dwell Free


Just like I said last week, these experiences--no matter how familiar--are all evidence of growth and movement.  Low and slow, is still in motion.  dammit.


The next thing is something I feel compelled to preface (because I'm a little shy about it and I think it's a good opportunity to try and be funny--let me know how you think it goes?).  Plus, I'm a prefacer.


Recently a co-worker asked me a question that made me realize I was doing a shitty job of maintaining a completely neutral professional persona (which is good... why did I think I wanted to do that in the first place?)


That question was: Kate, are you hoogely boogely?


Ha!  Yes, yes I am.  And hippie dippie and airy fairy and I talk about the universe and the moon and try to find alternatives to shampoo and deodorant and grow my own veggies (sometimes) and even eat them (less often).  Now, despite all that, I've always kept a safe distance from the crystals, use of the phrase "love and light," fairies, and other parts of the hoog-boog factions because... well... because I'm judgy.  


Hoogely Boogely and judgy.  It's a good combination.  I judge others, and then I forgive myself for doing so.  It's really perfect.


(let's get back on track here) BUT...  I've gotta say, I am totally connected to the cosmos.  I don't try to be.  I don't look for it.  I just am... I am highly susceptible to the energies of other people and things.  Even this blog.  I decided to pattern the months after the phases of the moon, for no reason that I could identify at the time, but since I have noticed that I am in this pattern where the first half of that "month" is about bringing in new things and the second half is about shedding (literally too, "oddly" enough) things that no longer serve me which with the waxing and waning moon is really damn effective.


So, when I saw this in an email from the monthly meditation circle I'm attempting to join (damn day job), I was thrilled to hear that my energy and the energy of the universe is once again matched: 

The Universal Energy for June is Water

Created By: (Limitless) Megan Potter

This means that it will be a month of slow and unseen progress; the perfect time to let yourself dream about where you’d like to go from here. This energy calls us to (or forces us to) slow down and to allow ourselves to rest and renew – it’s prime time for healing. It’s also known to stir up deep emotions. Making June a month ideal for letting go of the need to try so hard and to let yourself trust the flow.

Hallelujah!  I am not the only one.  I am so not the only one... I am basically connected to everyONE!  woot!


It was a reminder I needed.


Now, to REALLY get back on track


The end of one "month" means the beginning of another... and I've made some changes to the agenda for next month.  I was originally going to experiment with adventure and I chose to postpone it because: 

1. Really that month is going to be about exploring my world close to home (and how to be adventurous in every day life) and I'm moving to a brand new community in the middle of that month... and I'd rather wait until I can give my new town the whole month for exploring.
2. I took out a later month (grATTITUDE) because the concept of applying gratitude has been a part of this work from day one and will continue as such... and I needed space for a new one: 
3. Remember this post about how to stop leaving myself?  I hypothesized then, and believe it to be likely true still, that the answer to that question is through play. and...
4. It just so happens, my dear friend, tribe member, and transformation consultant friend Becky (you know her as "GT" which is short for Great Transformations! has started a 32 Days of Joy & Silliness Love Club where she's challenging participants to practice at least one act of silliness/joy a day and let that inner child out to play!

So, that's what's on the menu for this month: play!  I think it's going to make me a better mother, a better person, a better self-lover show me the playful mother, person, and self-lover inside who has been their all along.

really.  be. ware.  be-ware.  beware.

My intention for the month: 

• Experience more joy

How I think I might get there: 

• One intentionally silly thing each day
• Let my son show me how to play 
• Do a little brain-bending and delve into the available research (I have friend getting her PhD in this very topic!)

(this is super scary for me, by the way... but I'm sure that will come up in more detail.  we'll chat about it when it does)

Becky and I (and the rest of the group!) would love for you to join us in the 32 Days of Joy & Silliness Challenge.  Click on the link and request to join the group and you're in!

xo


p.s. Summer Solstice and New Moon!  Woot! (<--that was my hoogely boogely-ness coming out again)