"Get Smart" recap

Lately I don't much feel like writing on writing days (Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays).  ...but I do feel like writing on the other days, so I do and then schedule the posts to appear on the scheduled days. It's a nice little trick I play on my "writer" brain.

You know I can hear you


Oh shit, now it knows.  Blew that one.

this month really has nothing to do with this tv show,
other than they share a name.  oh yeah, that.

We're nearing the end of the "Get Smart" month and I'm packing up and home and getting ready to move to Los Angeles proper (been lingering around the bottom left corner of the County for a few years trying to absorb the energy from afar) so I'm going to jump the gun and give you the recap now!

These were the intentions for this month (by the way, I'm using the term "intention" incorrectly here.  Intentions are more about what I want to experience... these are more like goals than anything, but I'll get on that next time with more careful word choice, or at least it is my intention to!  *snort*) and how they went:

1. Take a class (audio, online, video, whatever... just take a class
• I signed up to take an online pharmacology course at coursera.org, but it doesn't start until June 25th... I shall report back on that another time if it feels relevant
• I signed up AND took Mastin Kipp's "Love Uni-Versity: Love & Relationship Bootcamp."  I have a lot to say about that.  Stayed tuned.
2. Read a non-fiction book (all of it.  from start to finish.  about something new.)
• I read The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights by Daniel Goleman and it was wonderful.  It was also very short, and I felt (for a moment) like a bit of a cheater... but hell... I said I would read a book, I didn't say I would read a LONG book (and for the record, I read at least 4 books this month, just one that was non-fiction and about something new)
3. Seek out an academic experience (like maybe grad school?)
• I went to visit (twice) and am saving my pennies (and incorporating tuition into my budget) to enroll for the Fall term at University of Santa Monica!  I have been thinking about and exploring grad school options for YEARS and nothing has ever felt quite right, and nothing has ever prompted me to say YES right now.  Super excited!
4. Ask questions--lots of them.  And do so from a perspective of genuine curiosity.
• This one was the hardest, maybe because it's hardest to measure.  I did do it... and what came up was the realization that sometime my questions of pure intent can be interpreted in ways other than what I intended, and then I have to deal with that!  Which is probably why I avoided it before.  BUT... I didn't let that stop me.  I took those reactions ON instead of taking them IN, and kept on asking when I was curious (which was often)

So, about this Bootcamp with Mastin...  I have a lot to say about it, so I'm going to make a list, because I am good at making lists and people like lists (don't you, people?): 

1. I have mixed feelings about Mastin Kipp...  most of which are a reflection of inner judgements and insecurities I have about myself (duh), but the way these mixed feelings look are: Sometimes I find Mastin to be difficult to digest.  He says (writes?) OMG in his blog and speaks in other very youthful, slangy ways...  He's a young man, living in Los Angeles, and even if he wasn't it would still be perfectly fine for him to speak however he chooses... but for whatever reason (jealous of someone else's success much?  <--watch that video, it's good stuff even if you aren't jealous of Mastin's success) it bugs me AND THEN because 38 adores him (and he's kind of the big time, so I need to know what he's up to) I read his stuff anyway and he writes things like this "The circumstances of your present moment DO NOT define you. Who you are is an innocent child of The Uni-verse who can ask for GRACE at any time, who is blessed and who experiences miracles regularly when you do not block them with your fear and doubt" and I am all sorts of in love with him on the soul to soul level until the next day when the brother/sister relationship I have with him in my head returns.  and: repeat.  Pretty much daily.
2. So, knowing about my mixed feelings, you can understand why ignored the first 30 million emails and ads and links and referrals that talked about this online class... that AND I am not in a relationship (unless you count that weird one I'm in with 38 where we were dating but we weren't and then we broke up but we didn't and now we have no contact with each other but sometimes I see things that make me imagine that we do... sigh.  That counts as a relationship, right?) nor do I have ANY interest in being in a romantic relationship with anyone (I thought I might for about three days last week and even filled out a profile on okCupid instead of just using it as a catalog for browsing like I sometimes do when I'm super moody but this morning I came to my senses and disabled it).
3. Then FINALLY, in one of those moments where I loved Mastin (because honestly, he's great.  He's a different face and a different voice from so many who do this kind of work, his site and the idea behind his "Daily Love" is simple and digestible for people from all walk's of life; and as a result he has tremendous reach and impact.  He has a dynamic and also accessible group of guest contributors on the blog.  I truly do admire him and his work even while I'm judging his use of text speak in the darker moments) I read one of the emails or referrals about the class and it said something about how the class wasn't just about romantic relationships, but all relationships, even/especially the relationship with yourself.  Now we know I can get on board with that--so I signed up!
4. And the class began.  5 days worth of calls I could join live or listen to recordings of after the fact...  The first day I called (because I could, the others... I was at work) and the call was mostly about masculine and feminine energies and the required polarity that needs to exist to have a long term, romantic relationship...  and that's all I heard (romantic), and then I put the walls up and shut down!  I started to take the class as if I were auditing it for research purposes, rather than trying to grow (oops).
5. But I didn't realize I had shut down yet so I still listened and tried to participate and even exchanged emails with Mastin about trying to determine whether my core energy was masculine or feminine... but I was so resistant to the process we didn't really get anywhere.  And in the meantime I was missing all sorts of gold about a relationship with the divine and attracting someone who is what we really want...
6. And finally... on the last day, I realized what I had done and with a heart full of gratitude for the power of the downloadable recording, I started over.  :)
7. I have a lot of work to do.

I love learning.  I used to keep a log of everything I learned each day.  It was a great idea, I should start doing it again.  ...and this month I learned (beyond anything and everything else) that I learn best with an open heart, when I'm applying the learning to my own life, and digesting it fully.  Only then can I have rich experiences that enhance my ability to be more aware of and more in touch with love.

Vulnerability leads to love?  Who knew!  (kidding, I totally knew.  but I guess I need to be reminded regularly.  Maybe you do too?)

taking a night off (let's see how much i write)

Tonight there is much in front of me and to avoid overwhelm I'm supposed to do what's in front of me... so despite having over 70 new "likers" on Facebook, I'm taking the night off from blogging!

Let's see how much I write on my night off... just one thing I want to touch on.

So, I know I've mentioned before that this opportunity with 38 is allowing me to work through the same shit that is bound to come up in any relationship I have, but privately, within the confines of my own head and home.  It's a new and interesting way of dealing with the stuff that comes up (basically a way that doesn't involve scaring off the mate--who should probably be able to deal with this if they want to be with me anyway, but that's a different blog post)... and boy has stuff come up!  I mean, we were hitting the 6 month mark, so the raging hormones had started to slow and the honeymoon was coming to an end (not in a bad way)... and I was going to start to settle into some of my "stuff" anyway.

First up came my abandonment stuff, and my "if i were perfect i would be loved" and/or "i am not lovable enough or she wouldn't have left" and I got through that.   Then I was doing really well for a while... until all of a sudden--BAM!  I'm getting my "I need to be needed" and "wait, what?  you can be happy without me?  that's scary!" stuff now.  Woah.  I knew that stuff was in there, but I've never seen it before like this.

I guess something really is happening.

Looking forward to getting through this stuff.  It's ugly!

That wasn't as much as I thought I might right.  Awesome.  Night off here I come!

Really, I'm to finish making a chocolate chip cookie cake with a thor mask and cape on it for spiderman's birthday tomorrow...

g'nite!
xo

oh, hello

I have been carrying around a belief for a long time that all I need to do to recover from something is to be aware of it (understand it, more or less).  And it's true!  Awareness is, in and of itself, curative--if I let it be.

Still, it used to get frustrating to have this belief because this is how it played out in life:

1. become aware of something
2. declare myself instantly cured
3. be affected by it again at a later date
4. feel cheated/experience related devastation

oh... yeah... not so effective.

then I heard this: "ideas don't change people, practice changes people."

and that felt true too.  Hmmm.

Thing is, the two things are almost opposites if examined from a certain perspective, so the first thing we're going to do is avoid that perspective, because really... why complicate things and make them harder than they have to be?!

I woke up on Monday and I was all sorts of grumpalicious.  What does that look like?  I just felt kind of blah.  I wasn't interested in doing any of the things that I know will make my day better (eating breakfast, preparing lunch, wearing something fun and playful, eyeliner...  really deep stuff here), and my head and heart felt full, but not in a solid, centered sort of way... more of a floaty, wiggly, active sort of way.  Full of stuff that needed to get out.

And about halfway through the day when I was just starting to feel blah long enough to feel the urge to label it (and myself) as "bad," I came up with another way of defining my experience.

I wasn't having a "bad" day.

I was having a "processing" day.

who could be mad at a journey this beautiful?

It had been a big weekend...  I had lots of new experiences, sensations, feelings... and they were all still present in my body.  Just floating around, waiting for a discharge (oh shoot, just figured that part out right now this minute--that would have been helpful on Monday).

And the reframing began:
1. not a "bad" day, a "processing" day
and then
2. not, "oh great, here we are again!  why the F do I always come back to this?" instead I got "oh, hello.  you feel familiar, but you're new aren't you?  i wonder what you're about..."

...and with those simple choices I went from a place that could have easily disintegrated into self-loathing and tension to a place of gratitude for the journey.

No, I didn't particularly want to be having a "processing" day.  I felt like I had just been coming off of a series of them and I could have used a little rest... but really, am I going to complain that my processing days have too short of breaks between them because I am on the fast track to perfection?  (*wink*)

I think not.

Here's a question I am borrowing from Dr. Ron Hulnick of University of Santa Monica: If you used a ladder to climb a mountain and it was a challenging climb with many obstacles... once you got to the top, would you be mad at the ladder?

I'm still in "it" and "it" is turning out to be a lot of anger directed outward at all sorts of situations...  and I'm still sitting in that anger and trying to figure out what to do with it, but the anger isn't directed at the process or the journey...  and that's different.  and different is good.

xoxo

letting go of limiting beliefs

The more time I spend loving on/getting to know myself the more I learn about how far off I've been for so long...  I've been carrying around several limiting beliefs that, some consciously/some subconsciously. have been shaping my reality and impacting my quality of life.  As with anything old and well worn in, I've been scared to let them go.  Even though they hurt, they're comfortable.  I know them.  I can count of them.  They're predictable and easy.  I wasn't sure who or what I'd be without them and I wasn't too eager to find out, until now...

Today, I'm using this blog post to say goodbye to my limiting beliefs, and I'd like to invite you to do the same.  Is there something you believe about yourself that holds you back?  That keeps you from going places you want to go?  Doing things you want to do?  Being things you want to be?  Is there some past behavior that you've been working to change that you still feel ownership of (I used to do this all the time... even once I had gotten past something I STILL claimed it as part of me... why?!  who knows.  I'm done with it now, though).

your limiting beliefs belong here, making electricity.
stop hogging them.  let them go.  let's keep the lights on.

You can start with just one.  One limiting belief about yourself that you'd like to get rid of.  And you can get rid of it here.  By commenting about it on Facebook, Twitter, or here on the blog (where you can do so anonymously if you'd like) you are releasing it.  It is no longer part of you, you no longer own it.  It belongs to the wind now, and the wind will carry it far, far away, and someone will harness it to make electricity and you will be free from it.  And since letting go of a belief will leave a hole behind, and to prevent you from feeling compelled to fill that hole with food, booze, drugs, sex, self-loathing (whatever your "substance" of choice is), then I want you to tell me what the opposite belief is.  I'll do it first, and then you.

These are the beliefs about myself that I'm letting go of today.  forever.

1. I am anti-social, it is hard for me to make friends, and talking to "strangers" is terrifying/my least favorite thing to do
2. I am undesirable, certain parts of my body (from the waist down) are gross, and no one will ever want me
3. I am not adventurous and I don't have what it takes to take risks
4. I don't have the drive to make a life for myself, I can only exist within a structure someone else creates for me, and I have to be/be like someone else who has already "made it" to "make it"
5. I don't know how to have fun, let loose, and be playful
6. I am unlovable, my big feelings are unattractive and too bothersome for other people to deal with
7. I am unkind, I say and think mean things, have no filter, and I hurt people with my judgments
8. I am financially irresponsible, I waste my money on compulsive shopping and food I don't need
9. I don't have any self control or discipline and I give up when things are hard
10. I am weak, I don't have strong beliefs or values and I am willing to change what I want from life in order to get love from others

and... these are my new beliefs going forward

1. I am social, friendly, and find it easy to strike up conversations and get to know new people.  I love doing it!
2. I am beautiful, from head to toe, and am grateful for all of the parts of my body and the things it does for me.  And I'm damn sexy too.
3. I love trying new things and sampling all that life has to offer.  I feel fear and do things anyway.
4. I am passionate about my life and my goals and will work tirelessly until I reach them.  I create my own reality and it is one where I thrive. I am enough, and I've already made it.
5. I am fun and playful.  I know how tooreplace into silliness and experience life as joyous.
6. I am loving, lovable, and loved.  My vulnerability and authentic nature draws people to me and I can form close bonds with my willingness to get emotional.
7. I am kind, generous, and loving.  I know how to speak to people in gentle and accepting ways and I can always see the good in people and love them for it.
8. I live a life of abundance.  I have plenty of money for my basic needs and some of the wants too.  I use my money thoughtfully as a tool that enhances my life.
9. I am diligent and committed.  I make choices for myself based on what serves me best and honor my intuition.
10. I have values that are rooted to my core.  I live by and through them every day.  I am on a lifelong learning journey in this lifetime and learning something new every day is my favorite part of life.

Okay, now your turn.

Give it a shot.  It feels amazing (and if it doesn't, email me... I'll help you through the icky parts too).  If you need help with the new belief let me know... I'll help you find one that matches.