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| just a picture of a red cup... for kicks. infer whatever symbolism you choose. |
Then last night, just after Devon surprised me with a beautiful token of acknowledgement celebrating the completion of this project and the beginning of what's next... and finished telling me her story of how it came to be with "thank you for giving me an opportunity to listen to my intuition" (<--i know, right? it kills me--in a good way--too. she is AMAZING!> I opened to a page in the middle of my notebook where a few lines were written but plenty of space remained. I started to flip to a completely blank page but first stopped to read what was written above. It said:
End of crisis
Space
Creating new crisis
Everything is fine but me
I don't recall when I wrote that, or why, or even if they are my words (maybe I was quoting someone else), but they say it all... with one change. Everything is fine. Including me.
This started in crisis... and when in crisis from loss the stillness that showed up in the space that was once filled by someone or something was too much to bear so something had to be "done." In that, this project was born. The project itself became a new crisis. There was a schedule to keep and break. Themes to focus on and get distracted from. There were beginnings and endings and in betweens. In the end, space still remains. Only now... in that space, everything is fine; including me. Even when everything isn't fine. I still am.
and now... the Project, in review!
- January 23-February 20: prime the canvas (nourishing the physical body that my soul lives in)
- This one got really old really fast... I really wanted to start here because at the time the most self harm I did myself was through food. And loving myself enough to eat something green every day was all I had at first. It came fairly easily, though, and didn't hold my interest so I'm glad that it turned out that this isn't what it was all about.
- February 21-March 21: creative force (making art or art-like things)
- Ah, now this one was heavenly! I got to be a hoarder to prepare for it, and then face the challenge of the purge on the other end. I made beautiful things, that now live in my home, and shape my space--make it mine (although, honestly, the other day I started not to feel so attached to them anymore and even considered letting them go. What's me, it seems, isn't attached to any "thing." I have it in me, so it doesn't have to live in anything or anyone else). Focusing on the making of art and how good it feels in my mind, body, and spirit to do so was incredibly fulfilling. This is a habit I want to make and keep (and one way I'll be doing that is by doing a painting a week for 2013!)
- March 22-April 20: just the two of us (being the parent I want to be)
- I remember wanting to quit this one. I'm sure I had a good reason at the time, but I'm also sure that reason was just there to mask that it's hard for me. I don't know (still) that I love being a mother. I certainly love moments, and I even more certainly love my son... but this being a mother thing isn't something that fills me up yet. It's still something that requires me filling up elsewhere and then remembering not to let myself to become fully emptied by it. Instead of working on being the parent I want to be, I'm working on wanting to be the parent I am.
- April 21-May 19: ish (living without knowing answers, maybe even without questions)
- It took another nine months to sink in, but the connection to my inner wisdom that comes up when I visit it in silence in stillness is the single greatest asset I have that connects me to my wholeness (how was that for woo-woo, eh?!)
- May 20-June 18: get smart (from books and other sources)
- I went into this one with an idea in my head that I needed to be more academic... that somehow my lack of pursuit or follow through on things I find interesting is a character flaw... that I would become more complete if every time I was interested in something I dug deeper and deeper until I had found the meaning of life. I don't think that's the path for me, after all... it's just not the way I operate and if I try to make myself I'm not going to end up doing anything else. So what if I only have a very basic understanding of the way emotional intelligence plays out in our brains... I know enough, and when I need to know more, I'll seek it.
- June 19-July 18: letting the inner child out (to play!)
- Surprise-I'm playful! Like sexy, coming a few months later... I got to learn that I already was... and seeing and finding that part of myself allowed me to come to love and appreciate it. And guess what happened when I started love and appreciate these qualities? Someone else came into my life who loves and appreciates them too (and I started to hear that other people have been telling me they love and appreciated them all along). Amazing what little perspective will do.
- July 19-August 16: plenty (money, honey)
- What I learned? I have plenty (not just money). And when I see that, I am abundant and I get what I need. Simple as that.
- August 17-September 15: where the heart is (loving where I lie my head and other spaces I occupy)
- Space is important... this is going to be a big one next year. I did the things I intended to do in this month quite a bit behind schedule, but I finally managed to shape my home into a space that nurtures me and Spiderman. I gave away half of my possessions and created a lot of space (physical and emotional) for myself and others to occupy. 2013... working toward an upgrade.
- September 16-October 14: no maps allowed(experimenting with adventure)
- Remember when I tried living without my GPS and it ended up making me less spontaneous? That was funny... and not super adventurous. Life is an adventure... and the adventure of Fall 2012 was kindergarten, and a rough go at that. I'll try this one again when Spiderman moves out of the house. Until then, I think I'm getting as much adventure as I can handle.
- October 15-November 12: chosen family (nurturing my relationships with both blood and chosen relations)
- I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to communicate to the people I love how grateful I am to them. I certainly haven't lived up to my own standards yet, but I'm going to keep trying.
- November 13-December 12: get sexy(getting, well... sexy)
- I was already sexy. Nothing to do here!
- December 13-January 10 (2013): work smart (love what I do and do it with love)
- I spent the last week making a spreadsheet that serves as a planning form for the process of calendaring and task list/reminder setting that keeps me on track. I already have this... there wasn't a whole lot more to learn except for: it works when you work it (and it doesn't when you don't). Thank you AA, you've got a lot of gems!
At the end of this year and this project I can see that I have been given some tremendous gifts. I have come to know myself as a writer, something I always wanted to be. You have allowed me to be seen by you, and warmed by your sight and acknowledgement. I am developing a partnership with a brilliant being who loves me for all the things about me I thought were lovable but never heard about from anyone else... and am so excited about it! I have this incredible experience of committing and evolving under my belt and it's hard for me to imagine that much of anything isn't possible... if I want it, I can have it.
The FULLfillment Project is officially over and a new "year" has begun. This one only has 365 days in it, and my intention is to view each of them through a lens of wonder and curiosity. I'll be back on Monday to tell you more... and until then: THANK. YOU.
