wrapping up: chosen family

As has been too often the result over the past several months... that (last "month") didn't go as planned.  In the name of transparency... I have about a half dozen, half finished "love notes" written and a list of a few dozen names to do.  I posted one to the blog... I took more than a week off from writing in total.   I whined a lot.  I felt lost and discontented and frustrated a lot.

I'm torn between recognizing that plans are bullshit and letting it go and attempting to be more committed.  The truth is, the way this blog has been going has been working for me.  I enjoy writing the posts... it contributes to my mental health and personal growth... in general, it's a win.  I do feel a bit off course from the intent of the FULLfillment project, but like I mentioned a while ago I think that's because I managed to change my life into one I wanted to be living much faster than anticipated.  There's still progress to be made (when won't there be?  never, is the answer to that rhetorical question), in fact, the life I want to be living is revealing every day that I can have more if I am willing to take more steps out into the unknown, take more risks, and actually believe in my own worth on an even bigger level... but I'm not sure that I need to be so intently focused on an individual potential fulfillment as I did when this year started.

That being said... next "month" starts tomorrow and scares the shit out of me.

I added "get sexy" to the list because sexiness is something that eluded me for much of my life:

• I looked like I was 8 when I was 3--not sexy.  
• I have always been at least a head taller than my peers--not sexy.  
• My feet are so big that I could only wear buster brown shoes for the first several years of life--not sexy.  
• I have thick, frizzy, sometimes curly/wavy hair and the products to manage it didn't really exist until the late 90s--not sexy.  
• My skin is prone to stretch marks and years of growth spurt, weight fluctuation, and eventually child rearing have made their mark--not sexy.  
• Apparently I believe that there is something wrong with the way I look and that the way I look is the determinant of what is sexy--sooooo not sexy

oh, and let's not forget...

• I was sleeping with a gender I find completely unappealing for 16 years before I figured out what was going wrong--totally not sexy.

The thing is...  Again, I've been working on this for 11 months now and I actually love myself in a way that includes loving my body.  I have some wounds leftover from being the "jolly green giant/bride of frankenstein" in elementary school, "thunder thighs in high school, and from being moooo'ed at in college... but the image in my head of what I look like and the image that is reflected back at me in the mirror are the same and I'm not shocked or alarmed like I used to be.

That, and... I know that sexiness has little to nothing to do with what I look like (even though I'm gorgeous, thank goodness...) AND I get to learn more about that every day by being in mutual love with someone who communicates very clearly that my mind, body, and spirit are sexy to her.  As we were (...and continue to be) discovering each other I was finding that things about me that I had disregarded as quirks or annoyances or things that are just ways I think or speak or act are things that drew her to me.  I won't go on about this too much (although I could for.e.ver.), but becoming myself and then being loved completely for being that person (and understanding that sexiness has a much broader definition than I ever realized) has definitely taken my comfort level with sexiness up a few notches.  That... and having amazingly mind blowing sex for the first time in my life... that helps too.

So, why the terror?  Well, because I'm going to make myself take a dance class this month.  Just one day.  One time.  That's the challenge...  but that's challenge enough.  I get an almost weekly Facebook invitation from a woman who I met and hung out with for a weekend at a friend's bachelorette celebration a couple years ago to a Burlesque Dance Class that she teaches... and a few months ago I thought about blocking invitations from her because I was tired of seeing it and that's when I realized what I was going to do to "get sexy" this month: I'm going to take the class.

That's it... that's the intention.  That and keep on doing what I have been doing.  I don't think you all (or I) are ready for this to be a frank discussion about queer sex... although I am tempted... we'll see what leaks out as the month goes on.