stiff neck

salonpas.  they cure what ails ya'
unless what ails ya' is emotional...  dammit

there was a time in my life where I believed that i woke up with a "stiff neck" because i had slept funny... i could slap a few salonpas on the tight spot and go about my day expecting to feel better halfway through it--right about the point the menthol smell starts to become unbearable.

enter: awareness...  years of therapy focused on connecting sensations in the body to clarity about the human experience and a path to healing.

the thing about awareness is... you don't get to go back.

i slept really well last night.  for the first time in about 10 days i woke up this morning without an overwhelming sense of dread about the day ahead.  i felt like i had been asleep--had rested--my body, mind, and spirit had been rejuvenated.  it was a tremendous relief.

i also woke up with a stiff neck.  (dum-dum-daaaaaaauuuuummmmm)

i wanted so badly to believe that i had "slept funny."  and that the distress that had led to the poor sleep the week(s) before had all been resolved in one night of good sleep and i was cured of what ailed me.  so i slapped the salonpas on and went to work.

the pain in my neck was affected by the simultaneously hot and cold menthol sensation on my skin...  but instead of being soothed away, it simply travelled around my body trying to get away from the coersion of the patches.  it started in my left shoulder--just on top of the blade--and shot from there to a place behind my ear--almost my jaw.  to avoid being mentholated away it first traveled into my left armpit and the side of my rib cage.  then later in the day it jumped to the other shoulder, and the base of my skull has gotten in on the action now too.

oh how i fondly remember being enough
out of touch with my own sensitivity to
enjoy watching this man kill people.

okay fine, body.  i get it!  i didn't "sleep funny."  i have some shit to process.  i'm stressed.  i'm tired.  i'm worried.  i'm fearful.  my fucking kid says things to me like "i don't want to go to kindergarten.  i always FAIL there."  it hurts.  i'll work on it.  tonight.  i promise.  can you just cut me some slack.  i have a lot going on right now.  i've already stopped watching dexter--isn't that enough?

this was a long a long way of saying that i'm not going to blog tonight (yes...  i see the irony).  really, i guess what i'm saying is that i'm not going to blog a love letter.  and if i don't feel up to it on wednesday or friday i'm not going to do it then either--i might not even post at all on those days.

i'm tired of the whiney nature of my posts... i mean, i haven't been capable of capitalization for weeks now.  i need a break--so i'm giving myself one.

i'm declaring this self-care week... and as important as this blog is to my personal transformation it's become an item on the list of "one more thing to do."  and lately, i've been using every excuse i can think of to avoid doing anything on that list that would actually qualify as taking care of myself and opting to do everything else first.  i've gotten really good at believing that my only time for self care is between the hours of 8pm and 6am (and i'm sleeping for 7-9 of those) and by the time 8pm rolls around i am too tired to do anything.

so this week...  nothing gets to come before me taking care of me... including this blog.  so if i'm done taking care of me and i'm ready for bed, bed is where i'll go.  and i'll miss you... and me... but hell i've already been missing me, and i have a hunch this is the way to get reacquainted with her.

now if you'll excuse me, my neck hurts.  goodnight.