- I don't follow any one method, philosophy, modality, and it's hard to explain anything that is all over the place
- Talking about parenting is a ripe opportunity for conflict and I'm a rampant conflict-avoider.
(deep breath. here we go.) So, I'm going to tell you a bit about my parenting style and how I arrived at it. I may end up sounding judgmental (because I am) or self-important (because I am), but it is important for me to let you know that I know that this is right for me because it is right for me. Period. Nothing I do is right universally, and it's rightness doesn't make anyone else wrong (but if you think what I do might be right for you too and want help getting there I am available to help).
Shortly after deciding to actively try and get knocked up (September 2005) I hit the world wide web and never looked back. I grew attached to parenting choices and principles that I was still nearly two years away from attempting, but still I was committed to them. Some of those things included:
- cloth diapering (did it for 7 months until it was a choice between that and my sanity and my sanity won)
- natural childbirth (I wanted a 100% med free homebirth, I got an epidural free hospital birth and I'm still bound to redo that at some point even though I want no more children. Can you say surrogacy?)
shortly after that epidural free birth - on-demand breastfeeding (did it for 23 months until he self weaned--and I was broken hearted. I was really looking forward to nursing to the point where it made other people uncomfortable)
yes, that's my boob. you're welcome - babywearing (the child was attached to my body via some kind of sling, wrap, or carrier for 90% of our waking hours, and even more of our sleeping ones)
- alternative vaccination schedule (our "alternative schedule" has included zero innoculations to date, and I don't expect that it ever will... but I remain open)
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this kid doesn't know there is a reason (needles) to be afraid of doctors. - co-sleeping (we still do this, and I don't have any pictures of it, because I am sleeping while it's happening)
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| gratuitous baby picture number one! |
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| moby wrap--world's greatest invention. |
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In June 2007 I gave birth to a baby spiderman and lived in a world consumed by these ideas for the next two years or so... and it was all consuming. Each and every one of the items above were some portion of my self-definition and the success or failure of any of them were huge contributors to my self worth. I was militant at best, and I'm sure very annoying. I knew what was "right" and was ready to fight to make sure that I would be free to live as such (and also convince others of the errors of their ways in an act of loving service to the world--sarcasm). I would have described myself as an attachment parent at the time and would blindly defer to anything that moniker told me to be.
Then my baby became a kid... and as he grew, I did too (only because I had to). You know that joke where people say something about how baby's don't come with owner's manuals? Yeah... it's not funny because it's not true! There are millions of baby owner's manuals... MILLIONS (and I have read half of them). What there aren't... are kid's owner's manuals (or maybe there are and I just haven't read them because I don't want to follow a manual anymore).
Over the last several years I have been exposed to the work of:
- Naomi Aldort
- Jane Nelsen
- Janet Lansbury
- and more that I can't recall at the moment or either don't love enough anymore to endorse.
And the best part about what I learn from them is that it merely inspires me... instead of defining me.
I remember when I first met Naomi Aldort (and then read her book) and started trying to "be her." Um, that was a disaster. She is a brilliant woman who says things like "a child is like the wind... Would you be angry with the wind for knocking something down or would you just accept that it is the wind?" and lives this philosophy of complete acceptance with her own children. She basically teaches that a child doesn't need to be actively taught how to behave, they will learn all they need from observing you, but she also keeps her own kids in a 100% pure environment where they are NEVER exposed to any undesirable behavior (like they cut out all of their relatives and friends who won't comply with their guidelines and will leave a park if other kids show up) . Once I realized that I couldn't and wouldn't do that I was able to forgive myself for not being her.
Fast forward to today. I screw up all the time and have moments where I am not even the best me never mind being aldort-esque, but in general I maintain a pretty high level of compassion and empathy for my kidlet and that makes me the mom I want to be.
One tool I use to do that is derived from a self-help tool that I wish I knew who to credit for but I don't (I got it from a friend who got it from a therapist... it's all over the internet. and what I find hilarious about it is that there are always typos. I've attempted to correct them all here, but even if I didn't catch them there is always right #5 to back me up)...
Read these, they are your personal bill of rights:
I remember when I first met Naomi Aldort (and then read her book) and started trying to "be her." Um, that was a disaster. She is a brilliant woman who says things like "a child is like the wind... Would you be angry with the wind for knocking something down or would you just accept that it is the wind?" and lives this philosophy of complete acceptance with her own children. She basically teaches that a child doesn't need to be actively taught how to behave, they will learn all they need from observing you, but she also keeps her own kids in a 100% pure environment where they are NEVER exposed to any undesirable behavior (like they cut out all of their relatives and friends who won't comply with their guidelines and will leave a park if other kids show up) . Once I realized that I couldn't and wouldn't do that I was able to forgive myself for not being her.
Fast forward to today. I screw up all the time and have moments where I am not even the best me never mind being aldort-esque, but in general I maintain a pretty high level of compassion and empathy for my kidlet and that makes me the mom I want to be.
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| like this picture is really cute, but is not about accepting my child for who he is (because he is not a pumpkin) |
One tool I use to do that is derived from a self-help tool that I wish I knew who to credit for but I don't (I got it from a friend who got it from a therapist... it's all over the internet. and what I find hilarious about it is that there are always typos. I've attempted to correct them all here, but even if I didn't catch them there is always right #5 to back me up)...
Read these, they are your personal bill of rights:
1. I have the right to ask for what I want
2. I have the right to. say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say '1'm afraid."
14. I have the right to say '1 don't know.
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect
25. I have the right to be happy.
2. I have the right to. say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say '1'm afraid."
14. I have the right to say '1 don't know.
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect
25. I have the right to be happy.
And to see how I use it as a parent replace "I" with "my child."
1. My child has the right to ask for what he wants
2. My child has the right to say no to requests or demands he can't meet.
3. My child has the right to express all of his feelings, positive or negative.
4. My child has the right to change his mind.
5. My child has the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. My child has the right to follow his own values and standards. (I know this one may be hard to digest... but your child really does have values and standards. If they are young they are likely very similar to yours and it's your responsibility to teach him/her about them. If they are older they may have started to develop their own. That's their right)
7. My child has the right to say no to anything when he feels he is not ready, it is unsafe or it violates his values.
8. My child has the right to determine his own priorities.
9. My child has the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems (even ESPECIALLY his own parents!)
10. My child has the right to expect honesty from others.
11. My child has the right to be angry at someone he loves. (I didn't know this until I was at least 30... it's one of the first things I taught spiderman. so important!)
12. My child has the right to be uniquely himself.
13. My child has the right to feel scared and say '1'm afraid."
14. My child has the right to say '1 don't know.
15. My child has the right not to give excuses or reasons for his behavior.
16. My child has the right to make decisions based on his feelings.
17. My child has the right to his own needs for personal space and time.
18. My child has the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. My child has the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. My child has the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
21. My child has the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. My child has the right to change and grow.
23. My child has the right to have his needs and wants respected by others
24. My child has the right to be treated with dignity and respect
25. My child has the right to be happy.
...and then to take it one step further to make sure no one is forgotten... Try reading it like this:
1. My child and I both have the right to ask for what we want
2. My child and I both have the right to. say no to requests or demands we can't meet.
3. My child and I both have the right to express all of our feelings, positive or negative.
4. My child and I both have the right to change our minds.
5. My child and I both have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. My child and I both have the right to follow our own values and standards.
7. My child and I both have the right to say no to anything when we feel we are not ready, it is unsafe or it violates our values.
8. My child and I both have the right to determine our own priorities.
9. My child and I both have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems
10. My child and I both have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. My child and I both have the right to be angry at someone we love.
12. My child and I both have the right to be uniquely ourselves.
13. My child and I both have the right to feel scared and say '1'm afraid."
14. My child and I both have the right to say '1 don't know.
15. My child and I both have the right not to give excuses or reasons for our behavior.
16. My child and I both have the right to make decisions based on our feelings.
17. My child and I both have the right to our own needs for personal space and time.
18. My child and I both have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. My child and I both have the right to be healthier than those around us.
20. My child and I both have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
21. My child and I both have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. My child and I both have the right to change and grow.
23. My child and I both have the right to have our needs and wants respected by others
24. My child and I both have the right to be treated with dignity and respect
25. My child and I both have the right to be happy.
Voila. A manual not only for parenting, but for life too. Simple as that (I kid, of course).
Because it's never that simple here are some instructions for how to use this tool:
- Print the list out and post it somewhere you will see it daily
- Read it (to yourself is fine, out loud is even better) at least once daily
- Pick two or three that stand out to you first and take note (over the course of a few days or a week) of the ways they play out in your life (these are probably the rights that you exercise most freely now)
- Pick the two or three that seem least interesting to you and start looking for the places where they show up in your life (I'd be willing to bet that these are the ones you need the most work on
- Take them one at a time (start wherever you want--the strongest, the weakest, top to bottom, whatever) and commit to learning how to practice (decide what it means to exercise each right... and then do it) them.
The thing about parenting (um, life?) is that we don't get to nor do we have to take credit or blame for the outcome. We can do our best, but our children (our lives?) will turn out to be whatever they turn out to be... and if we can love them completely for that (so they can love themselves) then we've done our jobs (ahem-in my opinion).
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| this is an example of a person who knows he is loved. |
p.s. For anyone who's worried about me and my recent bout with vulnerability... First, thank you. Second, I'm doing great. I choose to remain vulnerable, because as we learned... vulnerability+effective self care=willingness to be more vulnerable and I've been self-caring the hell out of my days. One of the perks of my new job is (free!) access to all sorts of physical health resources and I've worked out two days in a row now. There is NOTHING more effective for a state of mind/mood (or my ass) than an hour of elevated heart rate. Mmmmm, delicious endorphins...
I've added an addendum to this post. read it here!
I've added an addendum to this post. read it here!
