I get high a lot. All on my own; without any influencing chemicals coming in from the outside. Sure, I feel a little warm from a glass of wine, and once when I ate a pita chip after abstaining from white flour for a few weeks I felt like I could conquer the world, but I really get going (and then carried away) by what happens within my own thoughts.
It doesn't matter what it is: the potential of a new connection, a glimmer of hope that someone's behavior has changed for the better, or the idea of a new job or home... I find possibility to be intoxicating.
There are laws about drinking and driving, but I had to figure out for myself that fantasy and technology don't mix well either.
I've known this about myself for a while now; a couple of years at least... and I have worked to learn to sit in it. Sit in the feeling or sit in the unknown. Let it wash over me, and basically suffer through it:
1. Wait.
2. Occassionally screw up by texting or emailing someone something that is fueled purely by emotion and then crash when their response isn't what I wanted or doesn't come at all...
3. Wait some more.
It hasn't been fun.
Embarking on this FULLfillment project (yes, that's not how you spell fulfillment... I know. I'm trying to be clever here) has had some intoxicating moments. There are a lot of thrilling things happening in my head at any moment, and (for the most part) I am not acting on them. I am observing them and the feelings that come along with them, and I am waiting to see if they will pass or evolve... and I am enjoying it!
Seriously. Instead of dreading the waiting and watching, I am finding it to be both fascinating and pleasant.
And the strangest thing has happened. The thoughts and feelings have changed... some have gone away, some have evolved into ideas, others linger on but with less intensity, and I have experienced very few crashes.
I think I'm onto something here. If I'm going to be "high," I might as well enjoy it, right?
